You said you wanted space…

Why do you keep me stuck in between holding on and letting go?

When I asked you what you wanted,

You said you wanted space.

You said you wanted to be left alone.

You said you needed time to get your shit together.

—-

I said “okay, I can give you space.” But the look on your face said you wanted more than space.

So I continued, “Do you want to be left alone for now or forever?”

“For now,” you said, unconvincingly.

My heart broke more with each passing second.

“Do I even matter to you?”

“Yeah… but…we all end up alone in the end anyway.”

“Uh, okay John Green. Sure, oblivion is inevitable and we’re all going to die, but do you care about me? Do you miss me?

“…..uhh..sometimes…not really, I guess”

“How are we friends if you don’t care about me?”

“I do care. I just don’t know how to be friends with someone.”

Under my breathe, “that didn’t stop you from getting a the new girl friend.  Then louder, “If you didn’t want a friend, why did you insist on being my friend after you broke up with me?”

“…because I’m an asshole.”

“Right, so what do you want?

“I don’t know. ”

“Okay…

——–

After that day, you continued to not bother. a

Like at all. 

You didn’t bother calling or texting or even acknowledging my existence.

Was it the numbness and depression talking? Your brooding, self-loathing Batman-like angst.

Or are you just a Jon Snow level coward? You stab me in the front with a breakup and go back to the life you had before?

Or did I never mean anything to you.

I hate that you said ‘I love you’ the last time we were in the same bed.

You never meant it. Not then. Not ever.

 

It’s been a month since the last time I saw you. And that feeling that I never want to feel again. 

Angry and depressed and anxious one second and feeling like I’m going to vomit the next.

You know it’s a painful day for me, but you pretend to be blissfully unaware. Or maybe you really hated me that much.

 

I guess it really doesn’t matter.

Soon, I’ll be dead to you. No longer holding on or letting go. Just gone forever.

-Rule

I’ll Never Be the Same…

I wanted your love so badly…

I couldn’t sleep without it,

I couldn’t breathe without it,

I couldn’t live without,

Your Love.

 

That is,

until you called my bluff.

You yanked all you away,

and said for you,

it was tough,

but for me, 

it was a miserable,

lonely, 

fucking day.

 

I had to learn to sleep,

again,

and  breathe,

again,

and live,

again.  

 

What did I do to deserve a world without you? 

 

Without your love,

and

your hugs,

and

your smile,

and

your laugh.

 

Why aren’t you fucking missing me, too? 

 

I fell head first

into love,

and,

barely, just barely,

landed on my feet.

 

It turns out,

your love was, is,

just a twisted game.

 

Your love is only for you. 

 

As for me,

let’s just say,

I’ll never be the same. 

 

-Rule

How to Know if Someone Loves You

It’s quite simple, really.

Love is a verb. An action verb.

You can see it, feel it, and touch it when it’s happening.

Actually, the word “love” is really just a place holder for all the ways they show you how deeply they care…

• They (show up) for you.
• They (listen) to you.
• They (cook) for you just because.
• They (watch) your favorite shows.
• They (check on) you when you’re not feeling well.
• They (celebrate) you when you get good news.
• They (kiss) you on your forehead.
• They (bring) you ice cream because it’s your favorite.
• They (hold) you close.
• They (cry) with you on your darkest days.
• They (sit) with you when you don’t want to be alone.
• They (laugh) with you every second they can.
• They (miss) you when you’re gone….

That’s how you know they love you.

Not because they say it. But because they show it.

Every day. With their actions. 

-Rule

Reckless, Beautiful Love

All love is reckless.

The heartbreak is inevitable.

The pain will happen.

The regret will set in.

You’ll feel confused and lonely and afraid.

You’ll wonder why you ever tried.

You’ll blame yourself.

Then you’ll remember, love is also beautiful.

Love got you up on mornings when everything felt hopeless.

Love filled you with comfort like you had never known.

Love showed you that every flaw you thought made you unworthy was actually loveable all along.

So, be reckless.

Love hard. Love deep. Love now.

Because the thing that makes love so beautiful is that it’s only temporary.

This moment . . . is only temporary.

So, inhale the beauty of it all.

You deserve reckless, beautiful love.

-Rule