Why do you keep me stuck in between holding on and letting go?
When I asked you what you wanted,
You said you wanted space.
You said you wanted to be left alone.
You said you needed time to get your shit together.
—-
I said “okay, I can give you space.” But the look on your face said you wanted more than space.
So I continued, “Do you want to be left alone for now or forever?”
“For now,” you said, unconvincingly.
My heart broke more with each passing second.
“Do I even matter to you?”
“Yeah… but…we all end up alone in the end anyway.”
“Uh, okay John Green. Sure, oblivion is inevitable and we’re all going to die, but do you care about me? Do you miss me?
“…..uhh..sometimes…not really, I guess”
“How are we friends if you don’t care about me?”
“I do care. I just don’t know how to be friends with someone.”
Under my breathe, “that didn’t stop you from getting a the new girl friend. Then louder, “If you didn’t want a friend, why did you insist on being my friend after you broke up with me?”
“…because I’m an asshole.”
“Right, so what do you want?
“I don’t know. ”
“Okay…
——–
After that day, you continued to not bother. a
Like at all.
You didn’t bother calling or texting or even acknowledging my existence.
Was it the numbness and depression talking? Your brooding, self-loathing Batman-like angst.
Or are you just a Jon Snow level coward? You stab me in the front with a breakup and go back to the life you had before?
Or did I never mean anything to you.
I hate that you said ‘I love you’ the last time we were in the same bed.
You never meant it. Not then. Not ever.
It’s been a month since the last time I saw you. And that feeling that I never want to feel again.
Angry and depressed and anxious one second and feeling like I’m going to vomit the next.
You know it’s a painful day for me, but you pretend to be blissfully unaware. Or maybe you really hated me that much.
I guess it really doesn’t matter.
Soon, I’ll be dead to you. No longer holding on or letting go. Just gone forever.
-Rule
Rule is Just a Four Letter Word 