Have you ever put yourself out there when everything inside you told you not to?
For someone special in ways that you can’t begin to describe. But in the the back of your head, you tell yourself it will never work.
You’re not good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough for them.
Even so, you muster up the courage to put your cards on the table, whispering to yourself that you have nothing left to lose.
As you prepare for the fall out and rejection, a little piece of you still grasp on to hope. Wishing that this time is different.
This time they’ll like you.
This time they’ll choose you.
This time they’ll notice just how great you really are.
That last piece of hope eats at you as the hours and days pass without any sign that they care about you at all.
You try to tell yourself that you prepared for this. You knew it wasn’t going to happen anyway. And you feel stupid for ever letting that tiny shred of hope make its way into your mind.
The emotions that bombard you when you’re rejected slowly sneak up on you until they’re all you can feel.
Depression. Anger. Sadness. Regret. Numbness. Fear. Loneliness.
It’s not the thought of rejection that scares you. It’s that for a second, you actually believed you had a chance.
Have you ever had a “friend” tell you that you’re beautiful and smart and funny and that anyone would be lucky to have you then proceed to tell you that they don’t like you?
You ask them, if you think I’m all these great things why don’t you like me?
But, their response is never sufficient. They can’t articulate why it is that your beauty, intelligence and wit are not good enough for them.
But I know why. They don’t like you because you like them. No really. You’ve made yourself too available.
While you’re more interested in building a meaningful relationship, they only care about the game. The chase.
Even though you get along so well and talk all the time, they think love should be difficult and complicated and painful. And you’re none of those things.
When you’re together, it comes natural. But for most people, natural is easy and easy is boring.
So you might be beautiful, smart, and funny, but being with you is too safe and comforting. They want to be hurt and messed with. They want the ups and downs and the drama.
Back off. You may be what they need but you’re not what they want.
You can’t make them like you.
Every time you try, another piece of you breaks. Until there’s nothing left to give.
By far, the worse thing about depression is the days where you feel numb.
You’re not really sad or upset or lonely. And even though the emotion is unexplainable, it demands to be felt.
The numbness takes over and your depression is more crippling than ever. You can’t move or speak or think because you know you’ll feel nothing.
You dont really care about anyone or anything. You’re short with your family and you ignore your friends.
Nothing anyone could say could make you feel anything. So you try to avoid everyone at all costs.
You try distraction after distraction: Netflix, YouTube, reading, writing. But you end up right where you started.
Numb. Falling deeper into the void.
Until eventually the numbness turns into guilt. And you feel shitty for ignoring the people around you. You feel awful that you can’t force yourself to care. And you hate yourself for not just being like everyone else.
So you force a smile, bury the numbness, and pretend to care. You cope for the sake of those around you.
Hoping that one day you’ll actually feel something.