Why do you keep constructing this fantasy in your head that’s never going to happen?
You torture yourself day-in and day-out thinking about how things could be, should be, or would be.
But every day you wake up to the same world. The same depression, anxiety, numbness, and fear.
You’re still not good enough.
You’re still broken.
You’re still damaged.
You’re still needy.
Your wild fantasies of falling in love with the boy who said he’ll never love you won’t change that.
Your daydreams of the last time you saw him and how things would’ve been different if you were somehow more lovable, pretty, funny, or mysterious wont change that he’s never liked you in that way and never will.
You get so lost in the fantasy that you can’t even tell what’s real anymore.
But, the sad part is that you didn’t even want anyone until you met him, and you feel breathless trying to find the words to say that.
Trying to articulate that its not loneliness that keeps the fantasy alive. It’s actually believing that you are really meant to be.
But it’s not meant to be and its time to put the fantasy to bed.
You can’t force someone to care about you, not even in your head.
Everyday it gets harder and easier.
Everyday you get stronger and weaker.
Everyday you want to hold on and let go.
Everyday you feel your pain and hope grow.
But, everyday, is one day closer…
When we met, you said you didn’t want to be a distraction to me. But, I think the opposite is true.
Maybe all the other stuff I’m doing is just distracting me from what I’m supposed to do here.
Maybe I’m here to find love and friendship.
Maybe I’m here to find the person that is supposed to show me that it’s okay to trust and its okay to be vulnerable.
Honestly, I’ve never just liked someone so completely and so unconditionally before I met you.
I’m so good at picking things apart and finding problems in everything and everyone. But the things that I thought I didn’t like, I like about you.
Like our first kiss.
We spent the whole night avoiding it. But the tension built. I sat on the counter as you stood in front of me, our lips barely grazing. And then we kissed, like it’s the one thing we were both waiting for.
It felt right in all the right ways. I wanted more. I wanted to be more. But when you asked if we could be together, I said no.
And I know it was the right thing to say because eventually you would’ve lost interest in me or found out how broken I really am. But a part of me wishes that we were together. If only for a little while.
If only to have a million of those kisses again. If only to have you wrap your arms around me again. If only to know what it’s like to be with someone as special as you.
If only to show you that you deserve to love and be loved, too. ❤
If only to have the privilege of getting my heart broken by you.
If only as a distraction.
A while back I told you that I truly hoped that one day you find someone that you could fall head over heels in love with, even if it wouldn’t be me.
You seemed surprised when I said it. But I was being honest.
I know that I could never make you happy, and even though it pains me to say it, I hope you find someone better.
Someone that you wake up and think about every morning and someone that makes you want to stay up all night.
You deserve the kissing in the rain, can’t wait to hold you, ‘okay’ will be our always kinda love.
You deserve someone that understands you and makes you smile and laugh and cry tears of joy all in the same day.
You deserve someone that can take you out of your depression, if only for a little while, and show you the light.
You deserve happiness.
And I know you believe happiness comes from within, but its a whole lot easier when there’s someone that’s everything you’ve ever dreamed of standing next to you.
And even though you didn’t choose me, I hope one day you fall madly in love. And live happily ever after.