Today, I feel hopeful.
Today, I feel hopeful.
It’s time to get our of your own way.
How many times are you going to imagine problems that don’t exist?
How many times can you think and re-think about the worst case scenario?
How many times can you push away the person that loves you?
Pessimism isn’t cute.
Negativity isn’t fun.
For the first time ever, you’re happy. Like really, truly happy.
After a full decade of chronic depression and anxiety, you wake up in the morning and smile.
But every day you try to chip away at it bit by bit.
You undermine your own happiness and success.
You create problems and obstacles for the sake of brining yourself down.
Why are you afraid to be happy?
Why can’t you get out of your own way?
You know when you’re trying to explain the difference between loving someone and being in love?
It’s hard to explain but deep inside you know there’s a fundamental difference. You can’t exactly articulate what you mean, so you result to metaphors.
Its like trying to explain the difference between being out of breathe and breathless.
The same can be said for trying to explain the difference between being depressed and being in depression.
When you’re in a constant state of being depressed, people get used to your mood swings and apathy.
But when you’re in depression, it’s like even the depressed version of you isn’t recognizable.
When you’re in it…like, really in it…
It’s all consuming.
It takes over every part of your being for that moment and the moments after.
It’s all you can see and feel and hear.
It’s impossible to drown it out.
Like that overwhelming feeling you have when you first fall in love, you can’t see clearly.
You only see hopelessness and worthlessness.
You can’t know that this too shall pass.
Just as when you’re in love, that feeling isn’t permanent and that’s partly why it’s hard to describe.
Unlike loving, being in love is fleeting and passing.
Being in depression, those days where it feels unbearable, is also fleeting and passing.
And you’re left thinking, if falling in love just happens, than maybe falling in depression does too. And it’s not something to control or be afraid of.
It’s a burst of overwhelming, sometimes contradicting, emotions that changes you and that’s okay.
But you’re also left wondering about how falling in love might not be in your control but that loving someone is a choice. And wondering if that’s true, maybe being depressed is a choice too.
Packing up to leave everything behind… twice in one week makes your head spin.
Outside the logistics of it all, there’s the flood of emotions.
You’re a disappointment and a failure.
You wasted your time going. And you wasted your time coming back.
Your heart aches for the possibilities you left behind…
Your mind wanders about the people still there…
You’re left in an in between place.
Confused and afraid of what comes next, but relieved and grateful that you’re no longer there.
For the first time in your life, you don’t have the answers. Or a plan. But you have something else…
What more could you ask for?
You just had the longest day you’ve ever had.
Your depression and anxiety seem to be teetering between bad and worse.
You woke up hoping that you would somehow turn on a happy switch and it’d be all better.
But today is even more lonely and exhausting than the last.
So on your way home you stop and buy ice cream. You get home and shower immediately because you just want the day to be over.
You rush to your bed, grab the ice cream and your phone and you start.
You start with one video on YouTube and now you’re more than an hour in. You switch apps to Instagram and start scrolling. But then there’s Snapchat. And you open Netflix, SoundCloud, Hulu, Kindle. Anything to get your mind off the things and out of your feels.
You sit alone in your room for hours staring at the screen or sitting silently in the dark.
But you dont feel better. You aren’t taken care of.
You just feel numb.
Numb to yourself.
Numb to the world.
Numb to it all.
You’re just sitting around minding your business when a thought pops into your head.
It’s intrusive and overbearing and nauseating.
It’s the last thing you want on your mind.
So you try to dispel the thought from your consciousness.
You beg and plead for it to go away. You try to turn it off by distracting yourself with an endless stream of shows and status updates, but there is no escaping it.
And after a while, you start to believe it.
You are worthless.
You are broken.
You are a piece of shit.
You are not good enough. And you never will be.
In fact, everyone is better off without you.
Those thoughts permeate your entire being, mulitplying with every second. Until that intrusive thought is not just a thought.
It’s now an undeniable fact that you hold dear. It’s what you believe about yourself.
It’s your depression taking hold of you, making it nearly impossible to fight back.
But we keep fighting anyway. ❤
Everyday it gets harder and easier.
Everyday you get stronger and weaker.
Everyday you want to hold on and let go.
Everyday you feel your pain and hope grow.
But, everyday, is one day closer…