Lost. Lonely. Longing.

I feel the same way I felt last summer: lost, lonely, longing. 

As someone that has been conscience of choices since I was three, it’s hard to realize that no matter how much you plan and hope, things just happen.

The rational part of me wants to believe this is nonsense. Of course planning matters. Of course doing the “right” thing makes a difference.

But, as I sit here in the dark staring at this screen, I can’t help but think that I’ll always feel this way, no matter what choices I make.

Lost. I’m not jealous of much in this world, but I am jealous of people who are passionate about things. And not just careers, but people who are passionate about hobbies and people and places and things. Even the people who are passionate about things I hate. I envy their enthusiasm. Their excitement. Their lust. I’m lost because I’ve never figured out what to want in the first place.

Lonely. No matter how much I’m “loved” it never feels like enough. I never quite believe it. It’s like I can only trust what I can see…literally. Out of sight, out of love. I’m sure it sucks for the people in my life that truly care about me. To see the distant look in my eyes when all I’m thinking about is all the ways they can lie to me, disappoint me or hurt me. I know I’m not the center of anyone’s universe and my loneliness reminds me of that. It reminds me that people are human. And I’m the only person I actually have in the end.

Longing. This one is easy. I’m always longing for the moments where I don’t feel lost or lonely. The rare occurrences when I don’t even realize I’m smiling. The seconds when it feels like I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. The minutes I’m full of excitement and wonder and hope. The times where I’m fearless enough to be present and real without caring what anyone else thinks. The time that makes me believe in magic and fate and divine intervention.

Today, I’m feeling all three. But alas, the multiverse isn’t interested in my feelings. It doesn’t care that I cry more now than I ever have before. Probably because this is the most I’ve felt in years. As the numbness of my depression is fading, in its wake, I feel everything I tried so long not to feel. Concerned about the future. Worried about the past. Anxious about the present.

Lost. Lonely. Longing. 

-Rule

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Tears All the Way Down

When someone tells you that they don’t care if they talk to you every day, walk away.

When someone doesn’t respond to your texts and ignore your phone calls, walk away.

When someone stands you up, walk away.

When someone let’s you go to sleep upset without even trying to make things better, walk away.

When someone tells you that you’re more invested than they are, walk away.

When you have to have the same conversation over and over again about how they aren’t communicating with you, walk away.

When someone spends an entire month being distant and mentally removed, walk away.

When someone doesn’t think spending the holidays with you matters, walk away.

When you’re the only one that makes plans, walk away.

When you can’t sleep because of all the hurt you’re feeling, walk away.

When someone doesn’t care enough to ask you how you’re doing, walk away.

When someone keeps saying they’re going to change, but never do….know it’s because you’re not worth changing for. You’re not worth their effort. You’re not worth their time.

I have to do it because you won’t.

I have to be the one to say what you won’t say.

You don’t care about me.

You don’t love me.

How do I know?

You treat me like I don’t matter.

If I mattered, we’d be having this conversation right now, and I wouldn’t be writing it here.

It’s time for me to put myself first.

-Rule

Why Won’t You Let Yourself be Happy?

It’s time to get our of your own way.

Yes, YOU!

How many times are you going to imagine problems that don’t exist?

How many times can you think and re-think about the worst case scenario?

How many times can you push away the person that loves you?

Pessimism isn’t cute.

Negativity isn’t fun.

For the first time ever, you’re happy. Like really, truly happy.

After a full decade of chronic depression and anxiety, you wake up in the morning and smile.

But every day you try to chip away at it bit by bit.

You undermine your own happiness and success.

You create problems and obstacles for the sake of brining yourself down.

Why?

Why are you afraid to be happy?

Why can’t you get out of your own way?

-Rule

 

 

How being in Depression is like being in Love

You know when you’re trying to explain the difference between loving someone and being in love?

It’s hard to explain but deep inside you know there’s a fundamental difference. You can’t exactly articulate what you mean, so you result to metaphors.

Its like trying to explain the difference between being out of breathe and breathless.

The same can be said for trying to explain the difference between being depressed and being in depression. 

When you’re in a constant state of being depressed, people get used to your mood swings and apathy.

But when you’re in depression, it’s like even the depressed version of you isn’t recognizable.

When you’re in it…like, really in it…

It’s all consuming.

It takes over every part of your being for that moment and the moments after.

It’s all you can see and feel and hear.

It’s impossible to drown it out.

Like that overwhelming feeling you have when you first fall in love, you can’t see clearly.

You only see hopelessness and worthlessness.

You can’t know that this too shall pass.

Just as when you’re in love, that feeling isn’t permanent and that’s partly why it’s hard to describe.

Unlike loving, being in love is fleeting and passing.

Being in depression, those days where it feels unbearable, is also fleeting and passing.

And you’re left thinking, if falling in love just happens, than maybe falling in depression does too. And it’s not something to control or be afraid of.

It’s a burst of overwhelming, sometimes contradicting, emotions that changes you and that’s okay.

But you’re also left wondering about how falling in love might not be in your control but that loving someone is a choice. And wondering if that’s true, maybe being depressed is a choice too.

-Rule

On Starting Over

Packing up to leave everything behind… twice in one week makes your head spin.

Outside the logistics of it all, there’s the flood of emotions.

You’re a disappointment and a failure.

You wasted your time going. And you wasted your time coming back.

Your heart aches for the possibilities you left behind…

Your mind wanders about the people still there…

You’re left in an in between place.

Confused and afraid of what comes next, but relieved and grateful that you’re no longer there.

For the first time in your life, you don’t have the answers. Or a plan. But you have something else…

Freedom.

What more could you ask for?

-Rule

Is it Turtles All the Way Down?

Just when you least expect it, he surprises you.

He knows his worth and refuses to settle.

He cares like no one ever has.

Considerate and kind.

Gives you piece of mind.

Damaged but not broken.

Hurt but still open.

Makes promises he can keep.

Always listens when you speak.

Distance can’t keep him away.

His love is here to stay.

Or is he full of shit? 

-Rule