You can’t escape living

Do you ever spend so much time alone that you can’t really think straight anymore? You start to obsess about everything and everyone, searching for a new distraction and a new escape.

You think about your life and everything that’s possible and you get so afraid that you freeze.

Like, literally, sitting in a chair unable to do anything, but write your thoughts. The anxiety builds in your chest. You want to change. You want to be fearless.

But, you’re terrified. 

So you sit in a chair, distracted, trying to escape into another world. You call on your 3 best friends: Netflix, YouTube, and Hulu.

But remember, they will still be there in the morning.

And maybe you won’t be.

Time is ticking.

Why choose to escape when you can choose to live?

-(Rule)

 

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Don’t take it personal

Dear Future Me,

If there is one piece of advice I could give you that surpasses everything else I know it’s …don’t take it personal.

I know you’re probably rolling your eyes right now because everything feels personal, but hear me out.

Every time you’re over looked for a job….

Every time your crush chooses someone else

Every time someone is rude to you for no apparent reason…

Every time someone ignores you…

Every time someone breaks plans with you for a seemingly made up reason…

Every time someone hurts your feelings…

Every time the world seems to be falling a part…

Don’t take it personal.

You will deal with all of these situations thousands of times over in your lifetime. If you take them personally, like most people do, it will drain you of everything that matters.

You will lose trust, love, and hope in people.

It will feel like the universe is out to get you. And, hey, maybe it is.

But if you allow yourself to take it personally, there will be nothing left.

You have spent hundreds of thousands of hours replaying conversations and rereading text messages, trying to figure out what you did wrong.

Instead, take a deep breath… and… let it go.

Go to the nearest closet or car and cry, shout, kick, and scream. But, when you’re done, and all the tears have dried, remind yourself…

Everything someone does is all because of who they are NOT because of who you are.

You cannot control people.

You cannot change people.

And it’s not your job to.

So the next time someone reacts in a way that hurts you, don’t take it personal.

Move on.

Life is too short.

-(Rule)

 

Why we sell ourselves short…(or why I do)

I always sell myself short.

In life.

In love.

In school.

In work.

In myself.

I always accept what I’m given.

I don’t fight for more.

I don’t even ask for more.

Why not?

Because I don’t believe I’m worth more.

I’m not worthy of better friends, more money, louder laughter, greater adventures, or truer loves.

I tell myself I’m not worthy and the world responds by treating me like I’m not.

I’m walked over, talked over, looked over, and pushed over.

Not anymore.

I can no longer sell myself short.

I’m taking back my worth, for myself.

My life cannot be measured.

How? 

Simple.

My…self-worth, self-esteem, self-love are infinite. 

…And so are yours.

-(Rule)

 

I Like, Like You

Dear Crush,

A big part of having an ED, depression, and anxiety is the inevitable low self esteem and body image issues that come with the territory.

So when I was a teenager I never really tried dating. In fact, the only two people I have really dated sort of fell into my life. And throughout both of those relationships, I hated everything about me: my face, my body, my hair. Even the untangibles: my personality, my laugh.

You see, while other girls were busy having crushes, I was sitting in the corner saying ‘one day’. I would see someone like you and think “aw their nice and cute but it would never work out anyway. I’m too neurotic, ugly, crazy, stupid, worthless.” And my favorite: damaged goods.

You say we’re friends and that you like me, but I can see in your eyes that you think I’m damaged. I’m clingy. I’m needy. I’m not enough.

But… I like, like you. And I’m having a hard time keeping you out of my head.

You’re so smart and clever and cute. You make me laugh out loud until my stomach hurts. We can debate anything and talk about everything. Sometimes it feels like you’re my best friend.

But my doubts creep in.

There are a million reasons why it will never work out. But this time, I can’t pretend like I don’t like you. I can’t keep my cool when you’re around. All of my  insecurities from when I was teenager are racing back.

*sigh*

I’m 23 now, and I want to believe that I deserve happiness. I want to believe that when you look at me you think I’m just as beautiful and sweet as you are.

I just want you to like, like me too.

-(Rule)

 

I miss the empty feeling: self-recovery

Today I felt hungry for the first time since I started trying to eat “normal”. After eating breakfast for a week then skipping it today, my stomach was begging for food. But I hate the feeling of hunger. It’s uneasy in the same way as being too full.

You see, something happens when you stop eating for so long. Your body adapts. You stop feeling hungry and just feel content: no tummy growls, no hunger pangs, just a numbness that turns into pride when you realize its been 18 hours since your last meal.

I miss that feeling even though I know its bad for me.

Me, My Scale, & I

To say I’m obsessed with my scale would be an understatement. There is nothing else in the universe that can control my feelings and emotions so completely.

A Typical Day

6:45 AM – My stomach growls as I pull myself out of bed and make my way to the bathroom. The house is silent and cold as I take off everything except my underwear and sit down to pee. I think to myself, these steps are non-negotiable.

Seconds later, I pull out on my shiny black scale that measures to the tenth of a pound. My heart races. I take a deep breath and turn it on. I see the 000.0 and know there’s no turning back.

145.5

I exhale a sign of relief while mentally trying the calculate whether I’ve lost 3.2 or 3.3 lbs. Every ounce counts. My thoughts start racing. Yes! It’s working. I’m strong. I’m worthy. I smile for a second, feeling proud of my “accomplishment”. Fasting Monday really did help, even if it took me twice as long to read for class because I was light headed. It was worth it. I take a moment I reminisce about the good ole days when my strength had gotten me down to 128.0 bringing my total weight loss to 132lbs. The summer I lost my period and usually only ate 1 Kashi bar during a 12-hour period. I look down more time and read 145.5

Then I step off, feeling like my trusted friend is lying to me. So I weigh myself again.

145.6

This time it’s saying I only lost 3.2 and not 3.3. My heart drops. How?! Why?! I step off again and start over. Deep breath.

145.6

Maybe I should go pee again? No. Maybe I’ll try again after my workout.

45 mins later- I get on and the number has gone down again.

145.2

I mouth a silent yes. I don’t care if its water weight. Feeling especially pleased with myself, I’m ready to start the day.

5:00-I walk in from school and head straight to the scale. Glad I always walk the 20 minutes to school. The scale is happy so I’m happy. Skipping lunch did the trick.

145.0

Hw. Netflix. Hw. And before bed, I say good night to my scale to make sure things between us haven’t changed.

145.0

I lay down with an empty stomach to start all over again tomorrow.

Articles always talk about how the most successful dieters are those that weigh themselves everyday. In my experience, that behavior also makes the most “successful” EDNOS.

I’m trying to avoid the scale during my recovery, but its been difficult so far. I can’t continue to let the number control me.

-(Rule)