Tears All the Way Down

When someone tells you that they don’t care if they talk to you every day, walk away.

When someone doesn’t respond to your texts and ignore your phone calls, walk away.

When someone stands you up, walk away.

When someone let’s you go to sleep upset without even trying to make things better, walk away.

When someone tells you that you’re more invested than they are, walk away.

When you have to have the same conversation over and over again about how they aren’t communicating with you, walk away.

When someone spends an entire month being distant and mentally removed, walk away.

When someone doesn’t think spending the holidays with you matters, walk away.

When you’re the only one that makes plans, walk away.

When you can’t sleep because of all the hurt you’re feeling, walk away.

When someone doesn’t care enough to ask you how you’re doing, walk away.

When someone keeps saying they’re going to change, but never do….know it’s because you’re not worth changing for. You’re not worth their effort. You’re not worth their time.

I have to do it because you won’t.

I have to be the one to say what you won’t say.

You don’t care about me.

You don’t love me.

How do I know?

You treat me like I don’t matter.

If I mattered, we’d be having this conversation right now, and I wouldn’t be writing it here.

It’s time for me to put myself first.

-Rule

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Why Won’t You Let Yourself be Happy?

It’s time to get our of your own way.

Yes, YOU!

How many times are you going to imagine problems that don’t exist?

How many times can you think and re-think about the worst case scenario?

How many times can you push away the person that loves you?

Pessimism isn’t cute.

Negativity isn’t fun.

For the first time ever, you’re happy. Like really, truly happy.

After a full decade of chronic depression and anxiety, you wake up in the morning and smile.

But every day you try to chip away at it bit by bit.

You undermine your own happiness and success.

You create problems and obstacles for the sake of brining yourself down.

Why?

Why are you afraid to be happy?

Why can’t you get out of your own way?

-Rule

 

 

On Starting Over

Packing up to leave everything behind… twice in one week makes your head spin.

Outside the logistics of it all, there’s the flood of emotions.

You’re a disappointment and a failure.

You wasted your time going. And you wasted your time coming back.

Your heart aches for the possibilities you left behind…

Your mind wanders about the people still there…

You’re left in an in between place.

Confused and afraid of what comes next, but relieved and grateful that you’re no longer there.

For the first time in your life, you don’t have the answers. Or a plan. But you have something else…

Freedom.

What more could you ask for?

-Rule

“You’re amazing but I don’t like you in that way…”

Have you ever had a “friend” tell you that you’re beautiful and smart and funny and that anyone would be lucky to have you then proceed to tell you that they don’t like you?

You ask them, if you think I’m all these great things why don’t you like me?

But, their response is never sufficient. They can’t articulate why it is that your beauty, intelligence and wit are not good enough for them.

But I know why. They don’t like you because you like them. No really. You’ve made yourself too available.

While you’re more interested in building a meaningful relationship, they only care about the game. The chase.

Even though you get along so well and talk all the time, they think love should be difficult and complicated and painful. And you’re none of those things.

When you’re together, it comes natural. But for most people, natural is easy and easy is boring.

So you might be beautiful, smart, and funny, but being with you is too safe and comforting. They want to be hurt and messed with. They want the ups and downs and the drama.

Back off. You may be what they need but you’re not what they want.

You can’t make them like you.

Every time you try, another piece of you breaks. Until there’s nothing left to give.

That Friend is Not going to Fall for You

We’ve all liked a friend who hasn’t like us back.

Let’s call it, Unreaqquited Affection.

The RomComs tell us that our friend will eventually fall for us. They’ll see us for us and not care about our flaws.

But, as usual, they’re wrong.

There is no fairytale ending.

You aren’t good enough.

You aren’t smart enough.

You aren’t pretty enough.

You aren’t thin enough.

You aren’t funny enough.

You aren’t their type.

In fact, they’re just not that into you.

You can change your hair and clothes and glasses and work like crazy to change your body, be interested in the things they like, but it won’t change the fact that they don’t care about you.

It doesn’t matter how perfect it seems.

You realize that you aren’t actually friends after all.

It’s mostly just you, hoping for a chance to be in their presence.

Pathetic.

You can’t make them like you.

You just dig yourself deeper in the whole of loneliness.

If you back off, you wont feel rejected.

You’ll only feel numb. Wondering why they can’t see in you what you see in them.

 

The Perks of Having a Depression Buddy

The Law of Attraction says you attract what you put out into the world.

So when you’re dealing with mental health demons, you attract other people who are dealing with them, too.

While a good amount of those people can be toxic, sometimes you get lucky and stumble across someone that truly understands what it’s like to live inside depression.

Before them, you thought you’d never be close to anyone again.

But then they surprise you.

Within weeks the level of comfort and ease around them is magical.

Instead of taking you further down the rabbit hole or trying to lift you up, they are willing to meet you exactly where you are.

You lay next to them all day and forget that most of the world exists.

They don’t judge or diagnose or look down on you.

Instead, they sit with you talking about nothing or everything, in complete silence or with Netflix in the background.

  • They listen.
  • They ask questions.

And for the first time, you feel heard.

When you’re in their presence you fall in and out of introversion. Feeling like you’re alone and not alone, all at the same time.

Your buddy becomes a part of your coping strategy.

They become your best friend.

But depression is a jealous bitch who always needs to come first.

And you have thoughts telling you that you need to overcome your demons on your own.

But the perks of your depression buddy are endless.

They bring hope, love, forgiveness and understanding  when you need it most.

So remember, nothing in this world was ever accomplished alone.

Choose your friend over depression. And maybe, just maybe, the days of feeling lost and lonely will disappear, slowly and then all at once.

-(Rule)

All I’ve Ever Wanted is to be an ORIGINAL.

Yeah, that’s right.

I never wanted to be a doctor or lawyer or teacher or astronaut or rocket scientist.

I just wanted to grow up to be different.

Think different.

Act different.

I wanted to be an Original

Break the status quo.

  1. Choose my own path.
  2. Live my own dream.
  3. Stay inside the lines long enough to gain their trust.
  4. Then start wrecking havoc.

I wanted to be…

  • A misfit.
  • A rebel.
  • A troublemaker.

 

I never quite wanted to fit in.

But then I turned 23. And now I’m expected to grow up and get a high paying job. Buy a car and a house. And work every day for the rest of forever.

But what so original about that?

-(Rule)