Lost. Lonely. Longing.

I feel the same way I felt last summer: lost, lonely, longing. 

As someone that has been conscience of choices since I was three, it’s hard to realize that no matter how much you plan and hope, things just happen.

The rational part of me wants to believe this is nonsense. Of course planning matters. Of course doing the “right” thing makes a difference.

But, as I sit here in the dark staring at this screen, I can’t help but think that I’ll always feel this way, no matter what choices I make.

Lost. I’m not jealous of much in this world, but I am jealous of people who are passionate about things. And not just careers, but people who are passionate about hobbies and people and places and things. Even the people who are passionate about things I hate. I envy their enthusiasm. Their excitement. Their lust. I’m lost because I’ve never figured out what to want in the first place.

Lonely. No matter how much I’m “loved” it never feels like enough. I never quite believe it. It’s like I can only trust what I can see…literally. Out of sight, out of love. I’m sure it sucks for the people in my life that truly care about me. To see the distant look in my eyes when all I’m thinking about is all the ways they can lie to me, disappoint me or hurt me. I know I’m not the center of anyone’s universe and my loneliness reminds me of that. It reminds me that people are human. And I’m the only person I actually have in the end.

Longing. This one is easy. I’m always longing for the moments where I don’t feel lost or lonely. The rare occurrences when I don’t even realize I’m smiling. The seconds when it feels like I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. The minutes I’m full of excitement and wonder and hope. The times where I’m fearless enough to be present and real without caring what anyone else thinks. The time that makes me believe in magic and fate and divine intervention.

Today, I’m feeling all three. But alas, the multiverse isn’t interested in my feelings. It doesn’t care that I cry more now than I ever have before. Probably because this is the most I’ve felt in years. As the numbness of my depression is fading, in its wake, I feel everything I tried so long not to feel. Concerned about the future. Worried about the past. Anxious about the present.

Lost. Lonely. Longing. 

-Rule

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On Starting Over

Packing up to leave everything behind… twice in one week makes your head spin.

Outside the logistics of it all, there’s the flood of emotions.

You’re a disappointment and a failure.

You wasted your time going. And you wasted your time coming back.

Your heart aches for the possibilities you left behind…

Your mind wanders about the people still there…

You’re left in an in between place.

Confused and afraid of what comes next, but relieved and grateful that you’re no longer there.

For the first time in your life, you don’t have the answers. Or a plan. But you have something else…

Freedom.

What more could you ask for?

-Rule

Depression Lives in Your Thoughts

You’re just sitting around minding your business when a thought pops into your head.

It’s intrusive and overbearing and nauseating.

It’s the last thing you want on your mind.

So you try to dispel the thought from your consciousness.

You beg and plead for it to go away. You try to turn it off by distracting yourself with an endless stream of shows and status updates, but there is no escaping it.

And after a while, you start to believe it.

You are worthless.

You are broken.

You are a piece of shit.

You are not good enough. And you never will be.

In fact, everyone is better off without you.

Those thoughts permeate your entire being, mulitplying with every second. Until that intrusive thought is not just a thought.

It’s now an undeniable fact that you hold dear. It’s what you believe about yourself.

It’s your depression taking hold of you, making it nearly impossible to fight back.

But we keep fighting anyway.  ❤

You can’t live a fantasy

Why do you keep constructing this fantasy in your head that’s never going to happen?

You torture yourself day-in and day-out thinking about how things could be, should be, or would be.

But every day you wake up to the same world. The same depression, anxiety, numbness, and fear.

You’re still not good enough.

You’re still broken.

You’re still damaged.

You’re still needy.

Your wild fantasies of falling in love with the boy who said he’ll never love you won’t change that.

Your daydreams of the last time you saw him and how things would’ve been different if you were somehow more lovable, pretty, funny, or mysterious wont change that he’s never liked you in that way and never will.

You get so lost in the fantasy that you can’t even tell what’s real anymore.

But, the sad part is that you didn’t even want anyone until you met him, and you feel breathless trying to find the words to say that.

Trying to articulate that its not loneliness that keeps the fantasy alive. It’s actually believing that you are really meant to be.

But it’s not meant to be and its time to put the fantasy to bed.

You can’t force someone to care about you, not even in your head.

I Hope One Day You Fall Madly in Love

A while back I told you that I truly hoped that one day you find someone that you could fall head over heels in love with, even if it wouldn’t be me.

You seemed surprised when I said it. But I was being honest.

I know that I could never make you happy, and even though it pains me to say it, I hope you find someone better.

Someone that you wake up and think about every morning and someone that makes you want to stay up all night.

You deserve the kissing in the rain, can’t wait to hold you, ‘okay’ will be our always kinda love.

You deserve someone that understands you and makes you smile and laugh and cry tears of joy all in the same day.

You deserve someone that can take you out of your depression, if only for a little while, and show you the light.

You deserve happiness.

And I know you believe happiness comes from within, but its a whole lot easier when there’s someone that’s everything you’ve ever dreamed of standing next to you.

And even though you didn’t choose me, I hope one day you fall madly in love. And live happily ever after.

When a doctor asks if you have a history of depression…

I went to a routine doctor visit a few days ago, and and they asked if I had a history of depression.

I wanted to say no and spare myself the pain of rehashing the details. Just pretend for a second that I dont still carry that weight with me. But, I answered honestly…

Do you have a history of depression? Yes.

Where you ever on medication? Yes.

Which ones? Prozac, which I took and Zooloft which I never got filled.

Why did you stop? It never helped.

So what helped? Therapy. Exercise. Avoidance.

So you’re mood is stable now? Uh, sure.

Do you have trouble sleeping? Every day.

Have you lost interest in things you like? Hmm, sounds like a trick question. I dont like anything.

Have you ever thought about hurting yourself?  Yep.

Have you ever attempted to? Uh, well…

What did you do? I treatened to kill myself with an earring because its all I had in my room. Then I said I would just starve myself.

Oh, what happened? They sent me to the hospital. And it was awful. Like strip search, lesbian roommate that tried to touch me, people telling me I’m crazy… awful.

Ah, I see. Did you get help? Yes, I saw what it did to my family and I vowed to never mention suicide again.  And I went therapy for 2 years. I worked to get better, every day.

So you’re not depressed anymore? No, I am. I’ve just kinda learned to live with it. I cope.

How do you cope? My life is great so I feel guilty every day about my depression. And that guilt drives me to appreciate the little things. It’s not that healthy, I guess. But it works.

What do you think will help your depression? Honestly, I dont know. I just want to love myself. I want to feel like I’m okay. I want to feel happiness, even if it’s just brief.

Do you want to see someone? No, not right now. I think I’m pretty stable.

……oh…okay? Okay.

 

 

All I’ve Ever Wanted is to be an ORIGINAL.

Yeah, that’s right.

I never wanted to be a doctor or lawyer or teacher or astronaut or rocket scientist.

I just wanted to grow up to be different.

Think different.

Act different.

I wanted to be an Original

Break the status quo.

  1. Choose my own path.
  2. Live my own dream.
  3. Stay inside the lines long enough to gain their trust.
  4. Then start wrecking havoc.

I wanted to be…

  • A misfit.
  • A rebel.
  • A troublemaker.

 

I never quite wanted to fit in.

But then I turned 23. And now I’m expected to grow up and get a high paying job. Buy a car and a house. And work every day for the rest of forever.

But what so original about that?

-(Rule)