I feel the same way I felt last summer: lost, lonely, longing.
As someone that has been conscience of choices since I was three, it’s hard to realize that no matter how much you plan and hope, things just happen.
The rational part of me wants to believe this is nonsense. Of course planning matters. Of course doing the “right” thing makes a difference.
But, as I sit here in the dark staring at this screen, I can’t help but think that I’ll always feel this way, no matter what choices I make.
Lost. I’m not jealous of much in this world, but I am jealous of people who are passionate about things. And not just careers, but people who are passionate about hobbies and people and places and things. Even the people who are passionate about things I hate. I envy their enthusiasm. Their excitement. Their lust. I’m lost because I’ve never figured out what to want in the first place.
Lonely. No matter how much I’m “loved” it never feels like enough. I never quite believe it. It’s like I can only trust what I can see…literally. Out of sight, out of love. I’m sure it sucks for the people in my life that truly care about me. To see the distant look in my eyes when all I’m thinking about is all the ways they can lie to me, disappoint me or hurt me. I know I’m not the center of anyone’s universe and my loneliness reminds me of that. It reminds me that people are human. And I’m the only person I actually have in the end.
Longing. This one is easy. I’m always longing for the moments where I don’t feel lost or lonely. The rare occurrences when I don’t even realize I’m smiling. The seconds when it feels like I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. The minutes I’m full of excitement and wonder and hope. The times where I’m fearless enough to be present and real without caring what anyone else thinks. The time that makes me believe in magic and fate and divine intervention.
Today, I’m feeling all three. But alas, the multiverse isn’t interested in my feelings. It doesn’t care that I cry more now than I ever have before. Probably because this is the most I’ve felt in years. As the numbness of my depression is fading, in its wake, I feel everything I tried so long not to feel. Concerned about the future. Worried about the past. Anxious about the present.
Lost. Lonely. Longing.
Packing up to leave everything behind… twice in one week makes your head spin.
Outside the logistics of it all, there’s the flood of emotions.
You’re a disappointment and a failure.
You wasted your time going. And you wasted your time coming back.
Your heart aches for the possibilities you left behind…
Your mind wanders about the people still there…
You’re left in an in between place.
Confused and afraid of what comes next, but relieved and grateful that you’re no longer there.
For the first time in your life, you don’t have the answers. Or a plan. But you have something else…
What more could you ask for?
It feels like the world is collapsing on you.
You’re up at a time that you shouldn’t be.
Thinking about shit that you shouldn’t be.
Sad about the same stuff you’ve been sad about for the past year.
Feeling low and depressed and down and out.
Replaying scenes in your head every second.
Missing all of it when you shouldn’t be.
So you turn on some music to drown it all out.
Drown out your feelings long enough to get out of them. If only for the length of your playlist.
Inspired by SSS
You just had the longest day you’ve ever had.
Your depression and anxiety seem to be teetering between bad and worse.
You woke up hoping that you would somehow turn on a happy switch and it’d be all better.
But today is even more lonely and exhausting than the last.
So on your way home you stop and buy ice cream. You get home and shower immediately because you just want the day to be over.
You rush to your bed, grab the ice cream and your phone and you start.
You start with one video on YouTube and now you’re more than an hour in. You switch apps to Instagram and start scrolling. But then there’s Snapchat. And you open Netflix, SoundCloud, Hulu, Kindle. Anything to get your mind off the things and out of your feels.
You sit alone in your room for hours staring at the screen or sitting silently in the dark.
But you dont feel better. You aren’t taken care of.
You just feel numb.
Numb to yourself.
Numb to the world.
Numb to it all.
You’re just sitting around minding your business when a thought pops into your head.
It’s intrusive and overbearing and nauseating.
It’s the last thing you want on your mind.
So you try to dispel the thought from your consciousness.
You beg and plead for it to go away. You try to turn it off by distracting yourself with an endless stream of shows and status updates, but there is no escaping it.
And after a while, you start to believe it.
You are worthless.
You are broken.
You are a piece of shit.
You are not good enough. And you never will be.
In fact, everyone is better off without you.
Those thoughts permeate your entire being, mulitplying with every second. Until that intrusive thought is not just a thought.
It’s now an undeniable fact that you hold dear. It’s what you believe about yourself.
It’s your depression taking hold of you, making it nearly impossible to fight back.
But we keep fighting anyway. ❤
Why do you keep constructing this fantasy in your head that’s never going to happen?
You torture yourself day-in and day-out thinking about how things could be, should be, or would be.
But every day you wake up to the same world. The same depression, anxiety, numbness, and fear.
You’re still not good enough.
You’re still broken.
You’re still damaged.
You’re still needy.
Your wild fantasies of falling in love with the boy who said he’ll never love you won’t change that.
Your daydreams of the last time you saw him and how things would’ve been different if you were somehow more lovable, pretty, funny, or mysterious wont change that he’s never liked you in that way and never will.
You get so lost in the fantasy that you can’t even tell what’s real anymore.
But, the sad part is that you didn’t even want anyone until you met him, and you feel breathless trying to find the words to say that.
Trying to articulate that its not loneliness that keeps the fantasy alive. It’s actually believing that you are really meant to be.
But it’s not meant to be and its time to put the fantasy to bed.
You can’t force someone to care about you, not even in your head.
Everyday it gets harder and easier.
Everyday you get stronger and weaker.
Everyday you want to hold on and let go.
Everyday you feel your pain and hope grow.
But, everyday, is one day closer…