Lost. Lonely. Longing.

I feel the same way I felt last summer: lost, lonely, longing. 

As someone that has been conscience of choices since I was three, it’s hard to realize that no matter how much you plan and hope, things just happen.

The rational part of me wants to believe this is nonsense. Of course planning matters. Of course doing the “right” thing makes a difference.

But, as I sit here in the dark staring at this screen, I can’t help but think that I’ll always feel this way, no matter what choices I make.

Lost. I’m not jealous of much in this world, but I am jealous of people who are passionate about things. And not just careers, but people who are passionate about hobbies and people and places and things. Even the people who are passionate about things I hate. I envy their enthusiasm. Their excitement. Their lust. I’m lost because I’ve never figured out what to want in the first place.

Lonely. No matter how much I’m “loved” it never feels like enough. I never quite believe it. It’s like I can only trust what I can see…literally. Out of sight, out of love. I’m sure it sucks for the people in my life that truly care about me. To see the distant look in my eyes when all I’m thinking about is all the ways they can lie to me, disappoint me or hurt me. I know I’m not the center of anyone’s universe and my loneliness reminds me of that. It reminds me that people are human. And I’m the only person I actually have in the end.

Longing. This one is easy. I’m always longing for the moments where I don’t feel lost or lonely. The rare occurrences when I don’t even realize I’m smiling. The seconds when it feels like I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. The minutes I’m full of excitement and wonder and hope. The times where I’m fearless enough to be present and real without caring what anyone else thinks. The time that makes me believe in magic and fate and divine intervention.

Today, I’m feeling all three. But alas, the multiverse isn’t interested in my feelings. It doesn’t care that I cry more now than I ever have before. Probably because this is the most I’ve felt in years. As the numbness of my depression is fading, in its wake, I feel everything I tried so long not to feel. Concerned about the future. Worried about the past. Anxious about the present.

Lost. Lonely. Longing. 

-Rule

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Everyday…

Everyday it gets harder and easier.

Everyday you get stronger and weaker.

Everyday you want to hold on and let go.

Everyday you feel your pain and hope grow.

But, everyday, is one day closer…

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Dear Cutter Girl,

Dear Cutter Girl,

Every Tuesday, I would see the pain behind your eyes. As you sat, trying your hardest to blend in, I could see you using your smile as a weapon to hide your tears.

Regret would flash across your face whenever you would  speak. Second guessing everyone and everything.

You’ve been covering up your battle for a while now, and you think you have it figured out. Think you’re another manic depressive pixie girl slowly coming about.

But that’s not true.

You’re more than your scars.

You’re more than your depression.

You’re cautiously, recklessly fighting the abyss.

And you’re winning.

-(Rule)