How being in Depression is like being in Love

You know when you’re trying to explain the difference between loving someone and being in love?

It’s hard to explain but deep inside you know there’s a fundamental difference. You can’t exactly articulate what you mean, so you result to metaphors.

Its like trying to explain the difference between being out of breathe and breathless.

The same can be said for trying to explain the difference between being depressed and being in depression. 

When you’re in a constant state of being depressed, people get used to your mood swings and apathy.

But when you’re in depression, it’s like even the depressed version of you isn’t recognizable.

When you’re in it…like, really in it…

It’s all consuming.

It takes over every part of your being for that moment and the moments after.

It’s all you can see and feel and hear.

It’s impossible to drown it out.

Like that overwhelming feeling you have when you first fall in love, you can’t see clearly.

You only see hopelessness and worthlessness.

You can’t know that this too shall pass.

Just as when you’re in love, that feeling isn’t permanent and that’s partly why it’s hard to describe.

Unlike loving, being in love is fleeting and passing.

Being in depression, those days where it feels unbearable, is also fleeting and passing.

And you’re left thinking, if falling in love just happens, than maybe falling in depression does too. And it’s not something to control or be afraid of.

It’s a burst of overwhelming, sometimes contradicting, emotions that changes you and that’s okay.

But you’re also left wondering about how falling in love might not be in your control but that loving someone is a choice. And wondering if that’s true, maybe being depressed is a choice too.

-Rule

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You’re Dead to Me?

Why do you keep me stuck in between holding on and letting go?

When I asked you what you wanted,

You said you wanted space.

You said you wanted to be left alone.

You said you needed time to get your shit together.

I said “okay, I can give you space.” But the look on your face said you wanted more than space.

So I continued, “Do you want to be left alone for now or forever?”

“For now,” you said, unconvincingly.

My heart broke slightly more with each passing second. 

“Do I even matter to you?”

“You matter…to a certain extent. But nothing  really matters”

“Uh, okay John Green. Sure oblivion is inevitable and we’re all going to die, but do you care about what I want? Do you care about me?”

“…..uh….not really…sometimes…”

“How are we friends if you don’t care about me?”

“I don’t care about what’s important to you.”

Under my breathe, “what’s the fucking difference?” Then louder, “If you didn’t want a friend, why try to be my friend in the beginning?”

“…because I’m an asshole.”

“That doesn’t even make sense. So what happens if I don’t leave you alone”

“I’ll just ignore you”

“Okay…”

End of conversation. 

After that you started ignoring my texts and calls.

Was it the apathy and depression talking? Your self-loathing post teen angst.

Or did I never mean anything to you.

I never got to ask why you said ‘love you’ the other day when we parted ways.

I never got to ask if I was special to you.

I never got to ask why not just tell me to leave you alone forever if you didn’t care about me anyway.

There’s exactly a month until I leave. Until you’ll never have to see me again or hear my voice. 30 days. And hopefully I’ll never have to feel this way again.

Empty and depressed and anxious one second and feeling like I’m going to vomit the next.

Soon, I’ll be dead to you. No longer holding on or letting go. Just gone forever.

Rejection and Depression

Have you ever put yourself out there when everything inside you told you not to?

For someone special in ways that you can’t begin to describe. But in the the back of your head, you tell yourself it will never work.

You’re not good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough for them.

Even so, you muster up the courage to put your cards on the table, whispering to yourself that you have nothing left to lose.

As you prepare for the fall out and rejection, a little piece of you still grasp on to hope. Wishing that this time is different.

This time they’ll like you.

This time they’ll  choose you.

This time they’ll notice just how great you really are.

That last piece of hope eats at you as the hours and days pass without any sign that they care about you at all.

You try to tell yourself that you prepared for this. You knew it wasn’t going to happen anyway. And you feel stupid for ever letting that tiny shred of hope make its way into your mind.

The emotions that bombard you when you’re rejected slowly sneak up on you until they’re all you can feel.

Depression. Anger. Sadness. Regret. Numbness. Fear. Loneliness.

It’s not the thought of rejection that scares you. It’s that for a second, you actually believed you had a chance.

“You’re amazing but I don’t like you in that way…”

Have you ever had a “friend” tell you that you’re beautiful and smart and funny and that anyone would be lucky to have you then proceed to tell you that they don’t like you?

You ask them, if you think I’m all these great things why don’t you like me?

But, their response is never sufficient. They can’t articulate why it is that your beauty, intelligence and wit are not good enough for them.

But I know why. They don’t like you because you like them. No really. You’ve made yourself too available.

While you’re more interested in building a meaningful relationship, they only care about the game. The chase.

Even though you get along so well and talk all the time, they think love should be difficult and complicated and painful. And you’re none of those things.

When you’re together, it comes natural. But for most people, natural is easy and easy is boring.

So you might be beautiful, smart, and funny, but being with you is too safe and comforting. They want to be hurt and messed with. They want the ups and downs and the drama.

Back off. You may be what they need but you’re not what they want.

You can’t make them like you.

Every time you try, another piece of you breaks. Until there’s nothing left to give.

All I’ve Ever Wanted is to be an ORIGINAL.

Yeah, that’s right.

I never wanted to be a doctor or lawyer or teacher or astronaut or rocket scientist.

I just wanted to grow up to be different.

Think different.

Act different.

I wanted to be an Original

Break the status quo.

  1. Choose my own path.
  2. Live my own dream.
  3. Stay inside the lines long enough to gain their trust.
  4. Then start wrecking havoc.

I wanted to be…

  • A misfit.
  • A rebel.
  • A troublemaker.

 

I never quite wanted to fit in.

But then I turned 23. And now I’m expected to grow up and get a high paying job. Buy a car and a house. And work every day for the rest of forever.

But what so original about that?

-(Rule)

You are not your thoughts.

Let me repeat that. You are not your thoughts.

Somewhere in history you became programmed to believe that everything you think and feel are representations of who you are.

But that’s just not true.

You can’t control what pops into your head.

You can’t control the thoughts of depression, anxiety, fear, jealousy, disappointment, anger, or sadness.

There is a reason why you don’t automatically say your thoughts aloud.

Because while your thoughts are yours, you are not your thoughts.

You are your actions.