Is it Turtles All the Way Down?

Just when you least expect it, he surprises you.

He knows his worth and refuses to settle.

He cares like no one ever has.

Considerate and kind.

Gives you piece of mind.

Damaged but not broken.

Hurt but still open.

Makes promises he can keep.

Always listens when you speak.

Distance can’t keep him away.

His love is here to stay.

Or is he full of shit? 

-Rule

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You’re Dead to Me?

Why do you keep me stuck in between holding on and letting go?

When I asked you what you wanted,

You said you wanted space.

You said you wanted to be left alone.

You said you needed time to get your shit together.

I said “okay, I can give you space.” But the look on your face said you wanted more than space.

So I continued, “Do you want to be left alone for now or forever?”

“For now,” you said, unconvincingly.

My heart broke slightly more with each passing second. 

“Do I even matter to you?”

“You matter…to a certain extent. But nothing  really matters”

“Uh, okay John Green. Sure oblivion is inevitable and we’re all going to die, but do you care about what I want? Do you care about me?”

“…..uh….not really…sometimes…”

“How are we friends if you don’t care about me?”

“I don’t care about what’s important to you.”

Under my breathe, “what’s the fucking difference?” Then louder, “If you didn’t want a friend, why try to be my friend in the beginning?”

“…because I’m an asshole.”

“That doesn’t even make sense. So what happens if I don’t leave you alone”

“I’ll just ignore you”

“Okay…”

End of conversation. 

After that you started ignoring my texts and calls.

Was it the apathy and depression talking? Your self-loathing post teen angst.

Or did I never mean anything to you.

I never got to ask why you said ‘love you’ the other day when we parted ways.

I never got to ask if I was special to you.

I never got to ask why not just tell me to leave you alone forever if you didn’t care about me anyway.

There’s exactly a month until I leave. Until you’ll never have to see me again or hear my voice. 30 days. And hopefully I’ll never have to feel this way again.

Empty and depressed and anxious one second and feeling like I’m going to vomit the next.

Soon, I’ll be dead to you. No longer holding on or letting go. Just gone forever.

You can’t live a fantasy

Why do you keep constructing this fantasy in your head that’s never going to happen?

You torture yourself day-in and day-out thinking about how things could be, should be, or would be.

But every day you wake up to the same world. The same depression, anxiety, numbness, and fear.

You’re still not good enough.

You’re still broken.

You’re still damaged.

You’re still needy.

Your wild fantasies of falling in love with the boy who said he’ll never love you won’t change that.

Your daydreams of the last time you saw him and how things would’ve been different if you were somehow more lovable, pretty, funny, or mysterious wont change that he’s never liked you in that way and never will.

You get so lost in the fantasy that you can’t even tell what’s real anymore.

But, the sad part is that you didn’t even want anyone until you met him, and you feel breathless trying to find the words to say that.

Trying to articulate that its not loneliness that keeps the fantasy alive. It’s actually believing that you are really meant to be.

But it’s not meant to be and its time to put the fantasy to bed.

You can’t force someone to care about you, not even in your head.

A Distraction

When we met, you said you didn’t want to be a distraction to me. But, I think the opposite is true.

Maybe all the other stuff I’m doing is just distracting me from what I’m supposed to do here.

Maybe I’m here to find love and friendship.

Maybe I’m here to find the person that is supposed to show me that it’s okay to trust and its okay to be vulnerable.

Honestly, I’ve never just liked someone so completely and so unconditionally before I met you.

I’m so good at picking things apart and finding problems in everything  and everyone. But the things that I thought I didn’t like, I like about you.

Like our first kiss.

We spent the whole night avoiding it. But the tension built. I sat on the counter as you stood in front of me, our lips barely grazing. And then we kissed, like it’s the one thing we were both waiting for.

It felt right in all the right ways. I wanted more. I wanted to be more. But when you asked if we could be together, I said no.

And I know it was the right thing to say because eventually you would’ve lost interest in me or found out how broken I really am. But a part of me wishes that we were together. If only for a little while.

If only to have a million of those kisses again. If only to have you wrap your arms around me again. If only to know what it’s like to be with someone as special as you.

If only to show you that you deserve to love and be loved, too. ❤

If only to have the privilege of getting my heart broken by you.

If only as a distraction.

I Hope One Day You Fall Madly in Love

A while back I told you that I truly hoped that one day you find someone that you could fall head over heels in love with, even if it wouldn’t be me.

You seemed surprised when I said it. But I was being honest.

I know that I could never make you happy, and even though it pains me to say it, I hope you find someone better.

Someone that you wake up and think about every morning and someone that makes you want to stay up all night.

You deserve the kissing in the rain, can’t wait to hold you, ‘okay’ will be our always kinda love.

You deserve someone that understands you and makes you smile and laugh and cry tears of joy all in the same day.

You deserve someone that can take you out of your depression, if only for a little while, and show you the light.

You deserve happiness.

And I know you believe happiness comes from within, but its a whole lot easier when there’s someone that’s everything you’ve ever dreamed of standing next to you.

And even though you didn’t choose me, I hope one day you fall madly in love. And live happily ever after.

Rejection and Depression

Have you ever put yourself out there when everything inside you told you not to?

For someone special in ways that you can’t begin to describe. But in the the back of your head, you tell yourself it will never work.

You’re not good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough for them.

Even so, you muster up the courage to put your cards on the table, whispering to yourself that you have nothing left to lose.

As you prepare for the fall out and rejection, a little piece of you still grasp on to hope. Wishing that this time is different.

This time they’ll like you.

This time they’ll  choose you.

This time they’ll notice just how great you really are.

That last piece of hope eats at you as the hours and days pass without any sign that they care about you at all.

You try to tell yourself that you prepared for this. You knew it wasn’t going to happen anyway. And you feel stupid for ever letting that tiny shred of hope make its way into your mind.

The emotions that bombard you when you’re rejected slowly sneak up on you until they’re all you can feel.

Depression. Anger. Sadness. Regret. Numbness. Fear. Loneliness.

It’s not the thought of rejection that scares you. It’s that for a second, you actually believed you had a chance.

“You’re amazing but I don’t like you in that way…”

Have you ever had a “friend” tell you that you’re beautiful and smart and funny and that anyone would be lucky to have you then proceed to tell you that they don’t like you?

You ask them, if you think I’m all these great things why don’t you like me?

But, their response is never sufficient. They can’t articulate why it is that your beauty, intelligence and wit are not good enough for them.

But I know why. They don’t like you because you like them. No really. You’ve made yourself too available.

While you’re more interested in building a meaningful relationship, they only care about the game. The chase.

Even though you get along so well and talk all the time, they think love should be difficult and complicated and painful. And you’re none of those things.

When you’re together, it comes natural. But for most people, natural is easy and easy is boring.

So you might be beautiful, smart, and funny, but being with you is too safe and comforting. They want to be hurt and messed with. They want the ups and downs and the drama.

Back off. You may be what they need but you’re not what they want.

You can’t make them like you.

Every time you try, another piece of you breaks. Until there’s nothing left to give.