Packing up to leave everything behind… twice in one week makes your head spin.
Outside the logistics of it all, there’s the flood of emotions.
You’re a disappointment and a failure.
You wasted your time going. And you wasted your time coming back.
Your heart aches for the possibilities you left behind…
Your mind wanders about the people still there…
You’re left in an in between place.
Confused and afraid of what comes next, but relieved and grateful that you’re no longer there.
For the first time in your life, you don’t have the answers. Or a plan. But you have something else…
What more could you ask for?
You just had the longest day you’ve ever had.
Your depression and anxiety seem to be teetering between bad and worse.
You woke up hoping that you would somehow turn on a happy switch and it’d be all better.
But today is even more lonely and exhausting than the last.
So on your way home you stop and buy ice cream. You get home and shower immediately because you just want the day to be over.
You rush to your bed, grab the ice cream and your phone and you start.
You start with one video on YouTube and now you’re more than an hour in. You switch apps to Instagram and start scrolling. But then there’s Snapchat. And you open Netflix, SoundCloud, Hulu, Kindle. Anything to get your mind off the things and out of your feels.
You sit alone in your room for hours staring at the screen or sitting silently in the dark.
But you dont feel better. You aren’t taken care of.
You just feel numb.
Numb to yourself.
Numb to the world.
Numb to it all.
You’re just sitting around minding your business when a thought pops into your head.
It’s intrusive and overbearing and nauseating.
It’s the last thing you want on your mind.
So you try to dispel the thought from your consciousness.
You beg and plead for it to go away. You try to turn it off by distracting yourself with an endless stream of shows and status updates, but there is no escaping it.
And after a while, you start to believe it.
You are worthless.
You are broken.
You are a piece of shit.
You are not good enough. And you never will be.
In fact, everyone is better off without you.
Those thoughts permeate your entire being, mulitplying with every second. Until that intrusive thought is not just a thought.
It’s now an undeniable fact that you hold dear. It’s what you believe about yourself.
It’s your depression taking hold of you, making it nearly impossible to fight back.
But we keep fighting anyway. ❤
Yeah, that’s right.
I never wanted to be a doctor or lawyer or teacher or astronaut or rocket scientist.
I just wanted to grow up to be different.
I wanted to be an Original.
Break the status quo.
- Choose my own path.
- Live my own dream.
- Stay inside the lines long enough to gain their trust.
- Then start wrecking havoc.
I wanted to be…
- A misfit.
- A rebel.
- A troublemaker.
I never quite wanted to fit in.
But then I turned 23. And now I’m expected to grow up and get a high paying job. Buy a car and a house. And work every day for the rest of forever.
But what so original about that?
Do you ever spend so much time alone that you can’t really think straight anymore? You start to obsess about everything and everyone, searching for a new distraction and a new escape.
You think about your life and everything that’s possible and you get so afraid that you freeze.
Like, literally, sitting in a chair unable to do anything, but write your thoughts. The anxiety builds in your chest. You want to change. You want to be fearless.
But, you’re terrified.
So you sit in a chair, distracted, trying to escape into another world. You call on your 3 best friends: Netflix, YouTube, and Hulu.
But remember, they will still be there in the morning.
And maybe you won’t be.
Time is ticking.
Why choose to escape when you can choose to live?