You’re Dead to Me?

Why do you keep me stuck in between holding on and letting go?

When I asked you what you wanted,

You said you wanted space.

You said you wanted to be left alone.

You said you needed time to get your shit together.

I said “okay, I can give you space.” But the look on your face said you wanted more than space.

So I continued, “Do you want to be left alone for now or forever?”

“For now,” you said, unconvincingly.

My heart broke slightly more with each passing second. 

“Do I even matter to you?”

“You matter…to a certain extent. But nothing  really matters”

“Uh, okay John Green. Sure oblivion is inevitable and we’re all going to die, but do you care about what I want? Do you care about me?”

“…..uh….not really…sometimes…”

“How are we friends if you don’t care about me?”

“I don’t care about what’s important to you.”

Under my breathe, “what’s the fucking difference?” Then louder, “If you didn’t want a friend, why try to be my friend in the beginning?”

“…because I’m an asshole.”

“That doesn’t even make sense. So what happens if I don’t leave you alone”

“I’ll just ignore you”

“Okay…”

End of conversation. 

After that you started ignoring my texts and calls.

Was it the apathy and depression talking? Your self-loathing post teen angst.

Or did I never mean anything to you.

I never got to ask why you said ‘love you’ the other day when we parted ways.

I never got to ask if I was special to you.

I never got to ask why not just tell me to leave you alone forever if you didn’t care about me anyway.

There’s exactly a month until I leave. Until you’ll never have to see me again or hear my voice. 30 days. And hopefully I’ll never have to feel this way again.

Empty and depressed and anxious one second and feeling like I’m going to vomit the next.

Soon, I’ll be dead to you. No longer holding on or letting go. Just gone forever.

All I’ve Ever Wanted is to be an ORIGINAL.

Yeah, that’s right.

I never wanted to be a doctor or lawyer or teacher or astronaut or rocket scientist.

I just wanted to grow up to be different.

Think different.

Act different.

I wanted to be an Original

Break the status quo.

  1. Choose my own path.
  2. Live my own dream.
  3. Stay inside the lines long enough to gain their trust.
  4. Then start wrecking havoc.

I wanted to be…

  • A misfit.
  • A rebel.
  • A troublemaker.

 

I never quite wanted to fit in.

But then I turned 23. And now I’m expected to grow up and get a high paying job. Buy a car and a house. And work every day for the rest of forever.

But what so original about that?

-(Rule)

Are you going to Buy In or Sell Out?

For those of you who never feel like you belong….

As you fall into your 1,000th existential crisis, you realize that you have to make a choice.

You’ve just graduated high school/college/grad school, and you’ve put it off for as long as you could. But now you have to decide.

Are you going to buy in, or are you going sell out?

If you’re like me and you never quite feel like you fit in to any school or company or job, then the thought scares the hell out of you.

So let me break it down.

Buy in (verb): You convince yourself that the company/industry/job is a great opportunity. Even if its not perfect, its doable. You tell yourself everyday that you made the right choice until you believe it.

Sell out (verb): You accept that you’re never going to have the career you want so you might as well sell yourself to the highest bidder. You forget about ever finding something that fits and embrace the omnipresent consumption culture.

This weekend, at a conference, full of people that are supposed to be the best and brightest in the field I study, I was told I had to choose.

For someone that never identifies  with an organization and always has one foot out the door, I froze.

The thought of living in a perpetual, proverbial pissing contest with all my peers makes me squirm.

How can I buy into a system that perpetuates and privileges everything that I hate?

How can I sell out when this is the one and only life that I will ever get to live?

But, sooner or later you have to choose.

  • You are expected to shut your voice off and let yourself go.
  • You are expected to get in line and follow the other sheep.
  • You are expected to join the rat race.
  • You are expected to crave money, status, power and validation over everything else.
  • You are expected to buy in or sell out.

So which will it be?

Choose wisely.

-(Rule)