Lost. Lonely. Longing.

I feel the same way I felt last summer: lost, lonely, longing. 

As someone that has been conscience of choices since I was three, it’s hard to realize that no matter how much you plan and hope, things just happen.

The rational part of me wants to believe this is nonsense. Of course planning matters. Of course doing the “right” thing makes a difference.

But, as I sit here in the dark staring at this screen, I can’t help but think that I’ll always feel this way, no matter what choices I make.

Lost. I’m not jealous of much in this world, but I am jealous of people who are passionate about things. And not just careers, but people who are passionate about hobbies and people and places and things. Even the people who are passionate about things I hate. I envy their enthusiasm. Their excitement. Their lust. I’m lost because I’ve never figured out what to want in the first place.

Lonely. No matter how much I’m “loved” it never feels like enough. I never quite believe it. It’s like I can only trust what I can see…literally. Out of sight, out of love. I’m sure it sucks for the people in my life that truly care about me. To see the distant look in my eyes when all I’m thinking about is all the ways they can lie to me, disappoint me or hurt me. I know I’m not the center of anyone’s universe and my loneliness reminds me of that. It reminds me that people are human. And I’m the only person I actually have in the end.

Longing. This one is easy. I’m always longing for the moments where I don’t feel lost or lonely. The rare occurrences when I don’t even realize I’m smiling. The seconds when it feels like I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. The minutes I’m full of excitement and wonder and hope. The times where I’m fearless enough to be present and real without caring what anyone else thinks. The time that makes me believe in magic and fate and divine intervention.

Today, I’m feeling all three. But alas, the multiverse isn’t interested in my feelings. It doesn’t care that I cry more now than I ever have before. Probably because this is the most I’ve felt in years. As the numbness of my depression is fading, in its wake, I feel everything I tried so long not to feel. Concerned about the future. Worried about the past. Anxious about the present.

Lost. Lonely. Longing. 

-Rule

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All I’ve Ever Wanted is to be an ORIGINAL.

Yeah, that’s right.

I never wanted to be a doctor or lawyer or teacher or astronaut or rocket scientist.

I just wanted to grow up to be different.

Think different.

Act different.

I wanted to be an Original

Break the status quo.

  1. Choose my own path.
  2. Live my own dream.
  3. Stay inside the lines long enough to gain their trust.
  4. Then start wrecking havoc.

I wanted to be…

  • A misfit.
  • A rebel.
  • A troublemaker.

 

I never quite wanted to fit in.

But then I turned 23. And now I’m expected to grow up and get a high paying job. Buy a car and a house. And work every day for the rest of forever.

But what so original about that?

-(Rule)

Are you going to Buy In or Sell Out?

For those of you who never feel like you belong….

As you fall into your 1,000th existential crisis, you realize that you have to make a choice.

You’ve just graduated high school/college/grad school, and you’ve put it off for as long as you could. But now you have to decide.

Are you going to buy in, or are you going sell out?

If you’re like me and you never quite feel like you fit in to any school or company or job, then the thought scares the hell out of you.

So let me break it down.

Buy in (verb): You convince yourself that the company/industry/job is a great opportunity. Even if its not perfect, its doable. You tell yourself everyday that you made the right choice until you believe it.

Sell out (verb): You accept that you’re never going to have the career you want so you might as well sell yourself to the highest bidder. You forget about ever finding something that fits and embrace the omnipresent consumption culture.

This weekend, at a conference, full of people that are supposed to be the best and brightest in the field I study, I was told I had to choose.

For someone that never identifies  with an organization and always has one foot out the door, I froze.

The thought of living in a perpetual, proverbial pissing contest with all my peers makes me squirm.

How can I buy into a system that perpetuates and privileges everything that I hate?

How can I sell out when this is the one and only life that I will ever get to live?

But, sooner or later you have to choose.

  • You are expected to shut your voice off and let yourself go.
  • You are expected to get in line and follow the other sheep.
  • You are expected to join the rat race.
  • You are expected to crave money, status, power and validation over everything else.
  • You are expected to buy in or sell out.

So which will it be?

Choose wisely.

-(Rule)