Is it Turtles All the Way Down?

Just when you least expect it, he surprises you.

He knows his worth and refuses to settle.

He cares like no one ever has.

Considerate and kind.

Gives you piece of mind.

Damaged but not broken.

Hurt but still open.

Makes promises he can keep.

Always listens when you speak.

Distance can’t keep him away.

His love is here to stay.

Or is he full of shit? 

-Rule

You’re Dead to Me?

Why do you keep me stuck in between holding on and letting go?

When I asked you what you wanted,

You said you wanted space.

You said you wanted to be left alone.

You said you needed time to get your shit together.

I said “okay, I can give you space.” But the look on your face said you wanted more than space.

So I continued, “Do you want to be left alone for now or forever?”

“For now,” you said, unconvincingly.

My heart broke slightly more with each passing second. 

“Do I even matter to you?”

“You matter…to a certain extent. But nothing  really matters”

“Uh, okay John Green. Sure oblivion is inevitable and we’re all going to die, but do you care about what I want? Do you care about me?”

“…..uh….not really…sometimes…”

“How are we friends if you don’t care about me?”

“I don’t care about what’s important to you.”

Under my breathe, “what’s the fucking difference?” Then louder, “If you didn’t want a friend, why try to be my friend in the beginning?”

“…because I’m an asshole.”

“That doesn’t even make sense. So what happens if I don’t leave you alone”

“I’ll just ignore you”

“Okay…”

End of conversation. 

After that you started ignoring my texts and calls.

Was it the apathy and depression talking? Your self-loathing post teen angst.

Or did I never mean anything to you.

I never got to ask why you said ‘love you’ the other day when we parted ways.

I never got to ask if I was special to you.

I never got to ask why not just tell me to leave you alone forever if you didn’t care about me anyway.

There’s exactly a month until I leave. Until you’ll never have to see me again or hear my voice. 30 days. And hopefully I’ll never have to feel this way again.

Empty and depressed and anxious one second and feeling like I’m going to vomit the next.

Soon, I’ll be dead to you. No longer holding on or letting go. Just gone forever.

A Distraction

When we met, you said you didn’t want to be a distraction to me. But, I think the opposite is true.

Maybe all the other stuff I’m doing is just distracting me from what I’m supposed to do here.

Maybe I’m here to find love and friendship.

Maybe I’m here to find the person that is supposed to show me that it’s okay to trust and its okay to be vulnerable.

Honestly, I’ve never just liked someone so completely and so unconditionally before I met you.

I’m so good at picking things apart and finding problems in everything  and everyone. But the things that I thought I didn’t like, I like about you.

Like our first kiss.

We spent the whole night avoiding it. But the tension built. I sat on the counter as you stood in front of me, our lips barely grazing. And then we kissed, like it’s the one thing we were both waiting for.

It felt right in all the right ways. I wanted more. I wanted to be more. But when you asked if we could be together, I said no.

And I know it was the right thing to say because eventually you would’ve lost interest in me or found out how broken I really am. But a part of me wishes that we were together. If only for a little while.

If only to have a million of those kisses again. If only to have you wrap your arms around me again. If only to know what it’s like to be with someone as special as you.

If only to show you that you deserve to love and be loved, too. ❤

If only to have the privilege of getting my heart broken by you.

If only as a distraction.

When All You Feel is Numb

By far, the worse thing about depression is the days where you feel numb.

You’re not really sad or upset or lonely. And even though the emotion is unexplainable, it demands to be felt.

The numbness takes over and your depression is more crippling than ever. You can’t move or speak or think because you know you’ll feel nothing.

You dont really care about anyone or anything. You’re short with your family and you ignore your friends.

Nothing anyone could say could make you feel anything. So you try to avoid everyone at all costs.

You try distraction after distraction: Netflix, YouTube, reading, writing. But you end up right where you started.

Numb. Falling deeper into the void.

Until eventually the numbness turns into guilt. And you feel shitty for ignoring the people around you. You feel awful that you can’t force yourself to care. And you hate yourself for not just being like everyone else.

So you force a smile, bury the numbness, and pretend to care. You cope for the sake of those around you.

Hoping that one day you’ll actually feel something.

 

Are you going to Buy In or Sell Out?

For those of you who never feel like you belong….

As you fall into your 1,000th existential crisis, you realize that you have to make a choice.

You’ve just graduated high school/college/grad school, and you’ve put it off for as long as you could. But now you have to decide.

Are you going to buy in, or are you going sell out?

If you’re like me and you never quite feel like you fit in to any school or company or job, then the thought scares the hell out of you.

So let me break it down.

Buy in (verb): You convince yourself that the company/industry/job is a great opportunity. Even if its not perfect, its doable. You tell yourself everyday that you made the right choice until you believe it.

Sell out (verb): You accept that you’re never going to have the career you want so you might as well sell yourself to the highest bidder. You forget about ever finding something that fits and embrace the omnipresent consumption culture.

This weekend, at a conference, full of people that are supposed to be the best and brightest in the field I study, I was told I had to choose.

For someone that never identifies  with an organization and always has one foot out the door, I froze.

The thought of living in a perpetual, proverbial pissing contest with all my peers makes me squirm.

How can I buy into a system that perpetuates and privileges everything that I hate?

How can I sell out when this is the one and only life that I will ever get to live?

But, sooner or later you have to choose.

  • You are expected to shut your voice off and let yourself go.
  • You are expected to get in line and follow the other sheep.
  • You are expected to join the rat race.
  • You are expected to crave money, status, power and validation over everything else.
  • You are expected to buy in or sell out.

So which will it be?

Choose wisely.

-(Rule)

Nature walks and depression

Standing in the middle of the forest, eyes fixated on the skies and the trees, the cool air washes over, and for once, you feel alive.

But only for a second. Then you realize you’re not alone. You’re surrounded by people who all seem to be with their families and friends.

Their faces blur as you look pass them to ignore their smiles. Trying really hard to push down all feelings of resentment and jealously.

You turn your music up louder. Walk faster. Breathe deeper. Trying to focus on the nature surrounding you. It’s just you and the thousands of trees in the forest.

Then you look up and realize you’re not alone. You can recognize your old friend hiding in the brush: depression.

She’s back and she refuses to leave your side. You walk through the forest trying to escape her but you can’t.

And you think for a second, maybe, just maybe, having her with you is better than being all alone.

-(Rule)