You can’t live a fantasy

Why do you keep constructing this fantasy in your head that’s never going to happen?

You torture yourself day-in and day-out thinking about how things could be, should be, or would be.

But every day you wake up to the same world. The same depression, anxiety, numbness, and fear.

You’re still not good enough.

You’re still broken.

You’re still damaged.

You’re still needy.

Your wild fantasies of falling in love with the boy who said he’ll never love you won’t change that.

Your daydreams of the last time you saw him and how things would’ve been different if you were somehow more lovable, pretty, funny, or mysterious wont change that he’s never liked you in that way and never will.

You get so lost in the fantasy that you can’t even tell what’s real anymore.

But, the sad part is that you didn’t even want anyone until you met him, and you feel breathless trying to find the words to say that.

Trying to articulate that its not loneliness that keeps the fantasy alive. It’s actually believing that you are really meant to be.

But it’s not meant to be and its time to put the fantasy to bed.

You can’t force someone to care about you, not even in your head.

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Rejection and Depression

Have you ever put yourself out there when everything inside you told you not to?

For someone special in ways that you can’t begin to describe. But in the the back of your head, you tell yourself it will never work.

You’re not good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough for them.

Even so, you muster up the courage to put your cards on the table, whispering to yourself that you have nothing left to lose.

As you prepare for the fall out and rejection, a little piece of you still grasp on to hope. Wishing that this time is different.

This time they’ll like you.

This time they’ll  choose you.

This time they’ll notice just how great you really are.

That last piece of hope eats at you as the hours and days pass without any sign that they care about you at all.

You try to tell yourself that you prepared for this. You knew it wasn’t going to happen anyway. And you feel stupid for ever letting that tiny shred of hope make its way into your mind.

The emotions that bombard you when you’re rejected slowly sneak up on you until they’re all you can feel.

Depression. Anger. Sadness. Regret. Numbness. Fear. Loneliness.

It’s not the thought of rejection that scares you. It’s that for a second, you actually believed you had a chance.

“You’re amazing but I don’t like you in that way…”

Have you ever had a “friend” tell you that you’re beautiful and smart and funny and that anyone would be lucky to have you then proceed to tell you that they don’t like you?

You ask them, if you think I’m all these great things why don’t you like me?

But, their response is never sufficient. They can’t articulate why it is that your beauty, intelligence and wit are not good enough for them.

But I know why. They don’t like you because you like them. No really. You’ve made yourself too available.

While you’re more interested in building a meaningful relationship, they only care about the game. The chase.

Even though you get along so well and talk all the time, they think love should be difficult and complicated and painful. And you’re none of those things.

When you’re together, it comes natural. But for most people, natural is easy and easy is boring.

So you might be beautiful, smart, and funny, but being with you is too safe and comforting. They want to be hurt and messed with. They want the ups and downs and the drama.

Back off. You may be what they need but you’re not what they want.

You can’t make them like you.

Every time you try, another piece of you breaks. Until there’s nothing left to give.

The Perks of Having a Depression Buddy

The Law of Attraction says you attract what you put out into the world.

So when you’re dealing with mental health demons, you attract other people who are dealing with them, too.

While a good amount of those people can be toxic, sometimes you get lucky and stumble across someone that truly understands what it’s like to live inside depression.

Before them, you thought you’d never be close to anyone again.

But then they surprise you.

Within weeks the level of comfort and ease around them is magical.

Instead of taking you further down the rabbit hole or trying to lift you up, they are willing to meet you exactly where you are.

You lay next to them all day and forget that most of the world exists.

They don’t judge or diagnose or look down on you.

Instead, they sit with you talking about nothing or everything, in complete silence or with Netflix in the background.

  • They listen.
  • They ask questions.

And for the first time, you feel heard.

When you’re in their presence you fall in and out of introversion. Feeling like you’re alone and not alone, all at the same time.

Your buddy becomes a part of your coping strategy.

They become your best friend.

But depression is a jealous bitch who always needs to come first.

And you have thoughts telling you that you need to overcome your demons on your own.

But the perks of your depression buddy are endless.

They bring hope, love, forgiveness and understanding  when you need it most.

So remember, nothing in this world was ever accomplished alone.

Choose your friend over depression. And maybe, just maybe, the days of feeling lost and lonely will disappear, slowly and then all at once.

-(Rule)

When Talking Feels Impossible

The feeling you get when you want to speak and you don’t know what to say, or how to say it.

Being at a loss for words has been something I’ve struggled with throughout my depression.

Silence brushes over you like the water caressing your feet at the beach while you just sit and stare off into the distance.

Wondering….waiting….

But the words won’t come.

Speaking feels impossible.

Hell, opening your mouth feels impossible.

The most you can muster is, “I’m fine”.

Because nothing else feels quite right.

The silence is deafening and comforting, all at once.

No one seems to understand, so you keep the words trapped in your head.

Trapped in your depression.

-(Rule)

 

 

A Shout Into The Void

I want to scream.

I want to scream louder than I have in my entire life.

Not because I had a bad day or because something is terribly wrong.

I just want to be heard.

I want my pain to be felt.

I want my anxiety to be noticed.

I want someone to actually listen.

But, 99.9% of the people in the world never listen.

They’re either too easily distracted, bored, or think they’re so damn clever that they won’t stop thinking about their witty comeback long enough to hear your actual problem.

I wish you would just shut up for once, and listen.

-(Rule)