It feels like the world is collapsing on you.
You’re up at a time that you shouldn’t be.
Thinking about shit that you shouldn’t be.
Sad about the same stuff you’ve been sad about for the past year.
Feeling low and depressed and down and out.
Replaying scenes in your head every second.
Missing all of it when you shouldn’t be.
So you turn on some music to drown it all out.
Drown out your feelings long enough to get out of them. If only for the length of your playlist.
Inspired by SSS
You just had the longest day you’ve ever had.
Your depression and anxiety seem to be teetering between bad and worse.
You woke up hoping that you would somehow turn on a happy switch and it’d be all better.
But today is even more lonely and exhausting than the last.
So on your way home you stop and buy ice cream. You get home and shower immediately because you just want the day to be over.
You rush to your bed, grab the ice cream and your phone and you start.
You start with one video on YouTube and now you’re more than an hour in. You switch apps to Instagram and start scrolling. But then there’s Snapchat. And you open Netflix, SoundCloud, Hulu, Kindle. Anything to get your mind off the things and out of your feels.
You sit alone in your room for hours staring at the screen or sitting silently in the dark.
But you dont feel better. You aren’t taken care of.
You just feel numb.
Numb to yourself.
Numb to the world.
Numb to it all.
Why do you keep constructing this fantasy in your head that’s never going to happen?
You torture yourself day-in and day-out thinking about how things could be, should be, or would be.
But every day you wake up to the same world. The same depression, anxiety, numbness, and fear.
You’re still not good enough.
You’re still broken.
You’re still damaged.
You’re still needy.
Your wild fantasies of falling in love with the boy who said he’ll never love you won’t change that.
Your daydreams of the last time you saw him and how things would’ve been different if you were somehow more lovable, pretty, funny, or mysterious wont change that he’s never liked you in that way and never will.
You get so lost in the fantasy that you can’t even tell what’s real anymore.
But, the sad part is that you didn’t even want anyone until you met him, and you feel breathless trying to find the words to say that.
Trying to articulate that its not loneliness that keeps the fantasy alive. It’s actually believing that you are really meant to be.
But it’s not meant to be and its time to put the fantasy to bed.
You can’t force someone to care about you, not even in your head.
Do you ever spend so much time alone that you can’t really think straight anymore? You start to obsess about everything and everyone, searching for a new distraction and a new escape.
You think about your life and everything that’s possible and you get so afraid that you freeze.
Like, literally, sitting in a chair unable to do anything, but write your thoughts. The anxiety builds in your chest. You want to change. You want to be fearless.
But, you’re terrified.
So you sit in a chair, distracted, trying to escape into another world. You call on your 3 best friends: Netflix, YouTube, and Hulu.
But remember, they will still be there in the morning.
And maybe you won’t be.
Time is ticking.
Why choose to escape when you can choose to live?