Dear Cutter Girl,

Dear Cutter Girl,

Every Tuesday, I would see the pain behind your eyes. As you sat, trying your hardest to blend in, I could see you using your smile as a weapon to hide your tears.

Regret would flash across your face whenever you would  speak. Second guessing everyone and everything.

You’ve been covering up your battle for a while now, and you think you have it figured out. Think you’re another manic depressive pixie girl slowly coming about.

But that’s not true.

You’re more than your scars.

You’re more than your depression.

You’re cautiously, recklessly fighting the abyss.

And you’re winning.

-(Rule)

 

You Can’t Escape Rejection

Have you ever put yourself out there for someone that seems like a once and a lifetime soul?

Someone special in ways that you can’t begin to describe.

But in the the back of your head, you tell yourself it will never work.

You’re not good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough for them.

Even so, you muster up the courage to put your cards on the table, whispering to yourself that you have nothing left to lose.

As you prepare for the fall out and rejection, a little piece of you still grasp on to hope. Wishing that this time is different.

This time they’ll like you.

This time they’ll  choose you.

This time they’ll notice just how great you really are.

That last piece of hope eats at you as the hours and days pass without any sign that they even know that you exist.

How can you feel so much while they feel so little?

You try to tell yourself that you prepared for this. You knew it wasn’t going to happen anyway. And you feel stupid for every letting that tiny shred of hope make its way into your mind.

The emotions that bombard you when you’re rejected slowly sneak up on you until they’re all you can feel.

Depression. Anger. Sadness. Regret. Numbness. Fear. Loneliness.

It’s not the thought of rejection that scares you.

It’s that for a second, you actually believed you had a chance.

-(Rule)

I Like, Like You

Dear Crush,

A big part of having an ED, depression, and anxiety is the inevitable low self esteem and body image issues that come with the territory.

So when I was a teenager I never really tried dating. In fact, the only two people I have really dated sort of fell into my life. And throughout both of those relationships, I hated everything about me: my face, my body, my hair. Even the untangibles: my personality, my laugh.

You see, while other girls were busy having crushes, I was sitting in the corner saying ‘one day’. I would see someone like you and think “aw their nice and cute but it would never work out anyway. I’m too neurotic, ugly, crazy, stupid, worthless.” And my favorite: damaged goods.

You say we’re friends and that you like me, but I can see in your eyes that you think I’m damaged. I’m clingy. I’m needy. I’m not enough.

But… I like, like you. And I’m having a hard time keeping you out of my head.

You’re so smart and clever and cute. You make me laugh out loud until my stomach hurts. We can debate anything and talk about everything. Sometimes it feels like you’re my best friend.

But my doubts creep in.

There are a million reasons why it will never work out. But this time, I can’t pretend like I don’t like you. I can’t keep my cool when you’re around. All of my  insecurities from when I was teenager are racing back.

*sigh*

I’m 23 now, and I want to believe that I deserve happiness. I want to believe that when you look at me you think I’m just as beautiful and sweet as you are.

I just want you to like, like me too.

-(Rule)