When you’re “in your feelings…”

It feels like the world is collapsing on you.

You’re up at a time that you shouldn’t be.

Thinking about shit that you shouldn’t be.

Sad about the same stuff you’ve been sad about for the past year.

Feeling low and depressed and down and out.

Replaying scenes in your head every second.

Missing all of it when you shouldn’t be.

So you turn on some music to drown it all out.

Drown out your feelings long enough to get out of them. If only for the length of your playlist.

-Rule

Inspired by SSS

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Escapism is Not Self- Care

You just had the longest day you’ve ever had.

Your depression and anxiety seem to be teetering between bad and worse.

You woke up hoping that you would somehow turn on a happy switch and it’d be all better.

But today is even more lonely and exhausting than the last.

So on your way home you stop and buy ice cream. You get home and shower immediately because you just want the day to be over.

You rush to your bed, grab the ice cream and your phone and you start.

You start with one video on YouTube and now you’re more than an hour in. You switch apps to Instagram and start scrolling. But then there’s Snapchat. And you open Netflix, SoundCloud, Hulu, Kindle. Anything to get your mind off the things and out of your feels.

You sit alone in your room for hours staring at the screen or sitting silently in the dark.

You’ve escaped.

But you dont feel better. You aren’t taken care of.

You just feel numb.

Numb to yourself.

Numb to the world.

Numb to it all.

 

Depression Lives in Your Thoughts

You’re just sitting around minding your business when a thought pops into your head.

It’s intrusive and overbearing and nauseating.

It’s the last thing you want on your mind.

So you try to dispel the thought from your consciousness.

You beg and plead for it to go away. You try to turn it off by distracting yourself with an endless stream of shows and status updates, but there is no escaping it.

And after a while, you start to believe it.

You are worthless.

You are broken.

You are a piece of shit.

You are not good enough. And you never will be.

In fact, everyone is better off without you.

Those thoughts permeate your entire being, mulitplying with every second. Until that intrusive thought is not just a thought.

It’s now an undeniable fact that you hold dear. It’s what you believe about yourself.

It’s your depression taking hold of you, making it nearly impossible to fight back.

But we keep fighting anyway.  ❤

You can’t live a fantasy

Why do you keep constructing this fantasy in your head that’s never going to happen?

You torture yourself day-in and day-out thinking about how things could be, should be, or would be.

But every day you wake up to the same world. The same depression, anxiety, numbness, and fear.

You’re still not good enough.

You’re still broken.

You’re still damaged.

You’re still needy.

Your wild fantasies of falling in love with the boy who said he’ll never love you won’t change that.

Your daydreams of the last time you saw him and how things would’ve been different if you were somehow more lovable, pretty, funny, or mysterious wont change that he’s never liked you in that way and never will.

You get so lost in the fantasy that you can’t even tell what’s real anymore.

But, the sad part is that you didn’t even want anyone until you met him, and you feel breathless trying to find the words to say that.

Trying to articulate that its not loneliness that keeps the fantasy alive. It’s actually believing that you are really meant to be.

But it’s not meant to be and its time to put the fantasy to bed.

You can’t force someone to care about you, not even in your head.

I Hope One Day You Fall Madly in Love

A while back I told you that I truly hoped that one day you find someone that you could fall head over heels in love with, even if it wouldn’t be me.

You seemed surprised when I said it. But I was being honest.

I know that I could never make you happy, and even though it pains me to say it, I hope you find someone better.

Someone that you wake up and think about every morning and someone that makes you want to stay up all night.

You deserve the kissing in the rain, can’t wait to hold you, ‘okay’ will be our always kinda love.

You deserve someone that understands you and makes you smile and laugh and cry tears of joy all in the same day.

You deserve someone that can take you out of your depression, if only for a little while, and show you the light.

You deserve happiness.

And I know you believe happiness comes from within, but its a whole lot easier when there’s someone that’s everything you’ve ever dreamed of standing next to you.

And even though you didn’t choose me, I hope one day you fall madly in love. And live happily ever after.

The Pit in Your Stomach

The feeling you get in the pit of your stomache when the person you like doesn’t like you in the same way.

Its Unexplainable. Indescribable. Unsettling.

Something that feels like a combination of anxiety, shame, feardepressionguilt. With a hint of panic and reluctance. And a dash of worry and stress.

The feeling comes when you reach out and they don’t reach back.

It comes whenever you think about them when you know you shouldn’t.

It comes whenever you see them and your heart skips a beat while they never notice.

But the sad part is that you believe that it’s possible to fall head over heels, kissing in the rain, I can’t live without you in LOVE.

And no matter how much you wish that it is that kinda love, you know that this it isn’t.

If it was real, they would like you as much as you like them. They would get the same butterflies. They would smile at the sound of your voice. They would feel their heart flutter when they look in your eyes.

But they don’t like you. And it hurts. Your body physically aches.

And you’re left wishing you were different. Wishing you were better. Wishing that you looked like and acted like their perfect dream.

But you don’t. And you can’t. And every day it hurts.

But maybe, just maybe, one day it’ll start to hurt a little less.

You deserve to love and be loved. ❤