I Hope One Day You Fall Madly in Love

A while back I told you that I truly hoped that one day you find someone that you could fall head over heels in love with, even if it wouldn’t be me.

You seemed surprised when I said it. But I was being honest.

I know that I could never make you happy, and even though it pains me to say it, I hope you find someone better.

Someone that you wake up and think about every morning and someone that makes you want to stay up all night.

You deserve the kissing in the rain, can’t wait to hold you, ‘okay’ will be our always kinda love.

You deserve someone that understands you and makes you smile and laugh and cry tears of joy all in the same day.

You deserve someone that can take you out of your depression, if only for a little while, and show you the light.

You deserve happiness.

And I know you believe happiness comes from within, but its a whole lot easier when there’s someone that’s everything you’ve ever dreamed of standing next to you.

And even though you didn’t choose me, I hope one day you fall madly in love. And live happily ever after.

The Pit in Your Stomach

The feeling you get in the pit of your stomache when the person you like doesn’t like you in the same way.

Its Unexplainable. Indescribable. Unsettling.

Something that feels like a combination of anxiety, shame, feardepressionguilt. With a hint of panic and reluctance. And a dash of worry and stress.

The feeling comes when you reach out and they don’t reach back.

It comes whenever you think about them when you know you shouldn’t.

It comes whenever you see them and your heart skips a beat while they never notice.

But the sad part is that you believe that it’s possible to fall head over heels, kissing in the rain, I can’t live without you in LOVE.

And no matter how much you wish that it is that kinda love, you know that this it isn’t.

If it was real, they would like you as much as you like them. They would get the same butterflies. They would smile at the sound of your voice. They would feel their heart flutter when they look in your eyes.

But they don’t like you. And it hurts. Your body physically aches.

And you’re left wishing you were different. Wishing you were better. Wishing that you looked like and acted like their perfect dream.

But you don’t. And you can’t. And every day it hurts.

But maybe, just maybe, one day it’ll start to hurt a little less.

You deserve to love and be loved. ❤

Rejection and Depression

Have you ever put yourself out there when everything inside you told you not to?

For someone special in ways that you can’t begin to describe. But in the the back of your head, you tell yourself it will never work.

You’re not good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough for them.

Even so, you muster up the courage to put your cards on the table, whispering to yourself that you have nothing left to lose.

As you prepare for the fall out and rejection, a little piece of you still grasp on to hope. Wishing that this time is different.

This time they’ll like you.

This time they’ll  choose you.

This time they’ll notice just how great you really are.

That last piece of hope eats at you as the hours and days pass without any sign that they care about you at all.

You try to tell yourself that you prepared for this. You knew it wasn’t going to happen anyway. And you feel stupid for ever letting that tiny shred of hope make its way into your mind.

The emotions that bombard you when you’re rejected slowly sneak up on you until they’re all you can feel.

Depression. Anger. Sadness. Regret. Numbness. Fear. Loneliness.

It’s not the thought of rejection that scares you. It’s that for a second, you actually believed you had a chance.

“You’re amazing but I don’t like you in that way…”

Have you ever had a “friend” tell you that you’re beautiful and smart and funny and that anyone would be lucky to have you then proceed to tell you that they don’t like you?

You ask them, if you think I’m all these great things why don’t you like me?

But, their response is never sufficient. They can’t articulate why it is that your beauty, intelligence and wit are not good enough for them.

But I know why. They don’t like you because you like them. No really. You’ve made yourself too available.

While you’re more interested in building a meaningful relationship, they only care about the game. The chase.

Even though you get along so well and talk all the time, they think love should be difficult and complicated and painful. And you’re none of those things.

When you’re together, it comes natural. But for most people, natural is easy and easy is boring.

So you might be beautiful, smart, and funny, but being with you is too safe and comforting. They want to be hurt and messed with. They want the ups and downs and the drama.

Back off. You may be what they need but you’re not what they want.

You can’t make them like you.

Every time you try, another piece of you breaks. Until there’s nothing left to give.

When All You Feel is Numb

By far, the worse thing about depression is the days where you feel numb.

You’re not really sad or upset or lonely. And even though the emotion is unexplainable, it demands to be felt.

The numbness takes over and your depression is more crippling than ever. You can’t move or speak or think because you know you’ll feel nothing.

You dont really care about anyone or anything. You’re short with your family and you ignore your friends.

Nothing anyone could say could make you feel anything. So you try to avoid everyone at all costs.

You try distraction after distraction: Netflix, YouTube, reading, writing. But you end up right where you started.

Numb. Falling deeper into the void.

Until eventually the numbness turns into guilt. And you feel shitty for ignoring the people around you. You feel awful that you can’t force yourself to care. And you hate yourself for not just being like everyone else.

So you force a smile, bury the numbness, and pretend to care. You cope for the sake of those around you.

Hoping that one day you’ll actually feel something.

 

That Friend is Not going to Fall for You

We’ve all liked a friend who hasn’t like us back.

Let’s call it, Unreaqquited Affection.

The RomComs tell us that our friend will eventually fall for us. They’ll see us for us and not care about our flaws.

But, as usual, they’re wrong.

There is no fairytale ending.

You aren’t good enough.

You aren’t smart enough.

You aren’t pretty enough.

You aren’t thin enough.

You aren’t funny enough.

You aren’t their type.

In fact, they’re just not that into you.

You can change your hair and clothes and glasses and work like crazy to change your body, be interested in the things they like, but it won’t change the fact that they don’t care about you.

It doesn’t matter how perfect it seems.

You realize that you aren’t actually friends after all.

It’s mostly just you, hoping for a chance to be in their presence.

Pathetic.

You can’t make them like you.

You just dig yourself deeper in the whole of loneliness.

If you back off, you wont feel rejected.

You’ll only feel numb. Wondering why they can’t see in you what you see in them.

 

When a doctor asks if you have a history of depression…

I went to a routine doctor visit a few days ago, and and they asked if I had a history of depression.

I wanted to say no and spare myself the pain of rehashing the details. Just pretend for a second that I dont still carry that weight with me. But, I answered honestly…

Do you have a history of depression? Yes.

Where you ever on medication? Yes.

Which ones? Prozac, which I took and Zooloft which I never got filled.

Why did you stop? It never helped.

So what helped? Therapy. Exercise. Avoidance.

So you’re mood is stable now? Uh, sure.

Do you have trouble sleeping? Every day.

Have you lost interest in things you like? Hmm, sounds like a trick question. I dont like anything.

Have you ever thought about hurting yourself?  Yep.

Have you ever attempted to? Uh, well…

What did you do? I treatened to kill myself with an earring because its all I had in my room. Then I said I would just starve myself.

Oh, what happened? They sent me to the hospital. And it was awful. Like strip search, lesbian roommate that tried to touch me, people telling me I’m crazy… awful.

Ah, I see. Did you get help? Yes, I saw what it did to my family and I vowed to never mention suicide again.  And I went therapy for 2 years. I worked to get better, every day.

So you’re not depressed anymore? No, I am. I’ve just kinda learned to live with it. I cope.

How do you cope? My life is great so I feel guilty every day about my depression. And that guilt drives me to appreciate the little things. It’s not that healthy, I guess. But it works.

What do you think will help your depression? Honestly, I dont know. I just want to love myself. I want to feel like I’m okay. I want to feel happiness, even if it’s just brief.

Do you want to see someone? No, not right now. I think I’m pretty stable.

……oh…okay? Okay.