As someone who has been overweight for years, I have a very abusive relationship with food. It’s a constant push and pull between what my body tells me is false and what my brain tells me is fact.
The main reason I continued to support my disordered eating habits was simple.
If I ate more food without obsessively exercising 6 or 7 days a week and “fasting” (aka starving myself ) then I would gain weight. Its a math game. 1 slip up would’ve put back years of hard work.
No matter how many diet books I read or how many times I met with my nutritionists, my body would only respond to eating 1200 cals or less.
To me, this was not an irrational thought. It was a proven fact. Year after year, I watched myself eat less than everyone around me, workout out way more than anyone I knew and still never reach my dream weight.
So the first step to my recovery is debunking this myth.
This past week, for the first time since 2011, I took a week off from working out without compensating. I tried not to eat less or do other physical activity in place of my normal workouts.
And something magical happened. After a weekend of binging and a week of not working out, I gained 2 lbs.
How is that a miracle? Well, over the last few months when I fasted and worked out, my weight tended to stay the same or fluctuate -/+ 3lbs.
Ha! I have my proof. I can eat more than 1200 cals, not kill myself working out, and be about the same.
This week was tough mentally. My mind and body were telling me stop eating and go for a run. I even had thoughts about purging (which I doubt typcially do). My mind berated me every day but I chose not to exercise and eat.
But despite my inclination to binge, I still wasn’t able to eat regularly through out the day.
So, step 1 is complete. Now on to step, 2 eating breakfast, lunch, dinner. The thought of which overwhelms me so completely that grocery stores give me panic attacks.
But I can do this. I will do this.